Control... (By Any Means Necessary.)
Control...
(By Any Means Necessary.) feelings stories
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modernhermit
modernhermitcogito ergo sum.
Autoplay OFF  •  2 years ago
I often fear that I'll end up being too much like her. Crying for attention but pushing others away when they get too close.

Control... (By Any Means Necessary.)

I often fear that I'll end up being too much like her.

Crying out for attention but pushing others away when they get too close.

Afraid they will see the real me.

Telling myself I am unworthy of love, but taking for granted the ones who are indebted to me, casting an unbearable shadow of emotional slavery.

I catch myself...

Control by any means necessary.

She is reflected in the rage that explodes within me, triggered by something miniscule.

I often have to stop myself in those moments.

Before I go too far...

Before my thoughts-intrusive and overbearing-become action.

Using words as a weapon, relentlessly assaulting every weakness and limitation my victim may have tried to hide.

I think about how good it would feel...Almost like a high.

I catch myself...

Control by any means necessary.

She wants me to understand.

Understand the hurt they have caused her.

By causing me harm.

I want to be understood.

She wants me to understand....

That this is not about YOU, this is not about what YOU said or did but how it made ME feel.

Made her feel like she was once again a child...

With no control.

Unwanted. Abandoned.

Wanting control...by any means necessary.

I want her to understand.

What it is like...

To always be a child...who never grows up.

To NEVER be in control...But under an illusion of free will.

Exercising identity only to be pulled back.

You cannot be different from me, better than me, you must reflect ME.

Reflect MY hurt...MY pain.

Reflect the turmoil that goes on internally.

Ignore any feelings of your own. Unless those feelings were caused by ME. I will gladly take those...and feed off them.

She'll take control of me...by any means necessary.

I look her in the eyes...to let her know- I'VE SEEN HER. All of her.

I want her to understand this is about HER. Not taking responsibility for her words and actions when it mattered the most.

She never catches herself.

She says I will never understand.

How can I never understand you when that's all I was born and programmed to do?

I often ask myself how long will it take me to gain freedom, Or am I destined to walk this earth a lost soul always free falling out of control?

Never catching myself.

It is here, I decide to give up.

She is right, I will never understand. To be honest...I do not want to.

But I refuse to be robbed of my identity any longer.

To deprive my soul of wholeness and love.

I will gain back control...

By Any Means Necessary.

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