One of the biggest unspoken phrases in my house is: suppress your emotions.
My friend, Nick, says his favorite thing about me is my ability to express emotions and I’ve come to realize that emoting is beautiful and it’s artistic.
Yet here, at home, I feel as if I haven’t been able to feel “negative” emotions without my actions being viewed as strange.
I was thrown into therapy at a moment’s notice when anything seemed remotely wrong. This made my feelings taboo; made me feel different and weird for having emotions.
Through my friends and dance, I have learned that feeling sad and depressed is just part of life and that everyone feels.
But, I am not allowed to show these emotions in my house and this is what my fights with my family have been about for as long as I can remember.
These fights make me feel as if something must be wrong with me if I’m openly frustrated, openly upset, openly depressed.
I want to feel emotion more than anything because I’ve felt it bubble up inside of me and I’ve had to push it back down my entire life.
Without expression, the walls seem to get tighter, my sadness seems to grow like vines inside of my body, it needs to escape.
I need to express but here I feel as if I cannot, here emotions will only do damage, and hurt.