Untitled depression stories
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miss_onyinye
miss_onyinye Community member
Autoplay OFF   •   a year ago
Just thoughts about how I feel on a daily basis

Source: https://my.w.tt/XDCdZuLWN...

i have never really been comfortable in my own skin

and as i stand in front of this mirror and stare at my reflection

for the umpteenth time i wish i could disappear

i think of divanna my czech friend with a perfect body (in my opinion)

and her daily rants about the manipulation of the male species by "devils in disguise" (women)

through the flaunting and fluttering of their "assets"

i think of ellen my christian friend who i met online and her suspicion of my body image issues the links she forwards that lead to youtube videos that portray messages about self love

i think of that friday

when i was ten (and naive)

excited to be on the girls' baseball team

till the pe teacher seized me

and shoved me towards

the seniors' table

the revelation when

i looked in the mirror that night

and wondered how i

never noticed that i

was too big for my age

i think of all the times

i tried to fit in

buying dresses in

smaller sizes,

tights, girdles and

waist trainers

but after a one-sided

conversation with

my mind, which ended with

me on the bathroom floor,

an alarm was set

a constant reminder

that i'd never be

good enough

so i stuck to hoodies

in larger sizes

that enveloped me and

shrouded all

my insecurities.

i think about those times

when i tried

to be happy (and failed)

and about how much

i want to accept myself

and be accepted

the sweet relief i anticipate

for that day when, in the

midst of my 'friends,' i

get to be addressed as a

"girl" and not a "fat girl"

i think about those times

when i tried to be sappy

and downplay my

obvious flaws

i exchanged that word "fat"

for the other word "thick"

because it sounded better

and looked better in print

so i stare at my reflection

and i see

everything i wish i didn't

my chubby face and

'too large' arms;

the reasons why i

stopped watching tv

because i was too scared

to continue this

somewhat repetitive cycle

of goggling

over females whose

bodies i envied

all

i

see

in

this

mirror

is

a

fat

girl

in

a

dirty

pinafore

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