I spent a good chunk of yesterday crying. I hate the feeling of sobriety. I lost my willpower for a short bit and had a few small puffs. Nothing like I used to smoke though.
I still feel a little guilty.
Group was today. There were only four other people there. It was quiet, but that was nice. I spoke to my therapist. Told him I wanted to quit pot and that I had a goal not to have any today.
So far so good, and it’s past five pm. This is a hell of a mental battle, and I get hit with these waves of despair. Despair that I can’t use my coping mechanisms.
Despair about the pointlessness of life. But they taught me that cravings pass in 2 to 3 minutes. So I’m riding them out, and it’s true. After a few minutes it subsides and I feel better.
I think today will be my actual first day with no pot. I have to be accountable to my therapist and group tomorrow and I’m a lousy liar.
Trying to come up with things to distract me, things I won’t associate with pot.
But enough about that. Still no cutting. Learning a lot about self empathy. I still really like this treatment program. When I’m there, the cravings aren’t so bad.
I remember I’m recovering, and the support from all the people truly helps me get through. I’ve decided there’s no shame in group therapy. We all have demons, just not all of us face them.
I needed help from other people. I can admit that now. And I’m glad I’m getting it.
It’s like a timeout from life. But one I desperately needed. Time to work on myself. Luckily it is outpatient so I get to come home each night.
Tomorrow I’m off to it again, and soon I hope to post more positive updates about my progress.
Thanks for following!