It's hard to tell yourself what you deserve when you have depression.
The voice, filled with smoke tells me everything I don't deserve.
'Miss a meal, you're too fat to starve anyway'
'You're broken so don't get your hopes up'
'Failures don't deserve happiness'
Having depression is telling people how this black acrid smoke is choking you constantly.
Burning your eyes so you tear up.
Scraping your throat so you don't speak very much, if at all.
You just curl up, an attempt to hug your body to itself close enough to be safe.
Meanwhile your friends, family, strangers tell you how they "get like that too sometimes"
'Think happy thoughts'
It's hard to think of happy thoughts when you're busy imagining what your gravestone would say.
Or picturing what everyone's lives would be like without you.
Its like standing in front of a one way mirror wondering if anyone is on the other side.
Whose waiting behind the glass to take me home?
But, I'm locked away, alone, cuffed to a table with my thoughts.
When I was a little girl I use to love to play pretend.
I loved imagining being anyone but me.
I imagined being loved, loving myself, being happy.
Those out of world thoughts that passed my mind but like sand fell out of my grasp and disappeared.
I tell myself that I don't deserve anything, because my depression said so.
And, honestly its hard to argue with yourself sometimes.