I've recently been caught up in the world of eating disorders again.
It has been consuming me and eating away at my fragile body, setting out to destroy my mind once more.
I have been so exhausted lately, I hardly notice her when her presence is near me.
I used to be able to sense when she walked into the room.
The room would turn colder, and it got dimmer before it got brighter.
I used to shudder at her touch.
But now, I hardly flinch.
I am used to her inflicting pain that it brings me.
I have grown numb to the hollow pain her sharp pinches cause me to graze my hands over my fat stomach and thighs.
I have grown immune to the bite marks that are left on my tongue as she uses her wrath to skinny me up.
I have grown cold to the smell of warm food and instead I tell myself to feast in the fullness of my starvation.
But, she has come near me once again, only this time it is different.
Her everlasting presence almost feels warm to me instead of cold,
I find myself looking for her to sit with me and to fill my mind with other thoughts than the thoughts that have recently took over my mind.
I even find myself calling out for her over the mountain tops.
Anything, anything to take me away from the hell I am living now.
So, she sneaks her way back in, only this time I am begging her for my hunger back, yet I ask her to make my weight drop.
I ask her to stop vomiting, yet I tell her there's too much in my body and I feel ill.
I tell her I want the comfort of food, yet food seems to repulse me.
I find myself more often than not contradicting myself and I wonder if I will ever truly know who I am or what I want.
Sometimes I am fully motivated to evict her, as I am filled with shame for ever wanting her back in my life.
Other days I try to get closer to her because whatever she does to me is somehow more comforting
Than when she is gone.
In my mind I know very well that with 'Mia here I am going right back down to Hell.
But more times than not I think to myself