For you, Jasper
For you, Jasper metoo #mystory #myfaithjourney #youcantforcefaith #irespectyounomatterwhat #jasper stories
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mikki_
mikki_ #DreadfulCollection is my poetry May2020
Autoplay OFF   •   a year ago
"For You, Jasper" has a Trigger Warning for sexual assault, violence, and miscarriage. This one of the first pieces in the collection to write about my story with coping with the aftermath of a sexual assault, the pregnancy result at 14 and the miscarriage that followed at about 11 weeks into the pregnancy. The mixed emotions are heavy for loving someone so much yet hating the way they're created.

For you, Jasper

For you, Jasper.

For the month I lost you, March (aquamarine - blue), for your due date of October (secondary stone,

sapphire - pink) and how your loss and due date happen to be the colors of miscarriage awareness.

For you, Jasper. For the way my #metoo echos in my soul for the rest of my life, for the shame, guilt, and tragedy I feel when I wake up and can sometimes feel them on me.

For you, Jasper. For how much I was terrified of you and your heartbeat, and how quickly broken I was when it was gone.

For you, Jasper. For why I'm still a politically pro choice, because being in a situation that breaks you in every way, a forced pregnancy shouldn't be forced. Even though my body chose for me.

I would've figured it out for you, because myself I'm pro life.

For you, Jasper. For the ways sexual violence entered my life and the journey I've walked has been lonely, scary, silent.

Without God because I came to hate Him and anyone who praised him, because how could God love us when life hurts us so bad?

For you, Jasper. For forcing me to learn faith again. To pray and learn, and try to find any God to comfort me.

To make me look at myself as broken and shattered as I still am at times, and make me grow up.

For you, Jasper.

For helping to learn love and learn of God and enjoy Catholic mass.

To helping me find people to pray with me, for me, and more importantly, for you.

For you, Jasper.

For when Fr. Bob said you went straight to the loving arms of God and you knew nothing but of love.

My love, you know no pain of them or of what they caused me.

Of the anguish your heartbeat caused me and the crushing defeat when it was gone.

For you Jasper.

For making me advocate about rape, and sexual violence of male friends, and peers.

Advocating for mental health, Eating Disorders, Suicide, Self Injury, sadness, anxiety, depression,

And the devastation rape can cause.

For you, Jasper.

You're the closest lifeline I have to God,

The closest thing I know how to get to God,

Because wherever you are,

He is, and you my love, will stay in my heart.

I'm ready to share our story, even if this is all I have to show for it.

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