Again. Again it happens to where my significant other enjoys and adores another women other than me.
It brings me back to the first person that did it to me. Although we were kids and maybe we thought what we had was love. Or as they say kids in love is just puppy love.
Was it because I never gave him my virginity? At the end of the day, I was very easily replaced.
Second time it happens, and I thought I was devastated. As weird as it sounds, at the age of 15, I knew the boy I was with, was not the man I wanted to marry.
He wasn't the man I'd take a bullet for. And he definitely wasn't worth crying for, days and days and then I was ready to explore my teenage years.
My third time, my third time it happened, and he said it was easy. At this point I don't know how many times I've heard this from the same man I wanted to grow old with.
But after the 8,9,10 time that he did it, this last one felt worse.
How is this one worse than him having a baby with whom else?
Because this time, he can deny it as much as he wants, but the love I was suppose to be receiving, shipping & handling sent it elsewhere.
The disappointment when he let that relationship go, I felt like there was hatred towards me.
The same hatred all the other boys I've been with in my life because I begged and cried why me? That same hatred they didn't want to deal with me anymore, but to the millionth power.
It's very true when they say it's harder when you have a family together. And yes it's true they say you will come up from this.
But would I be lying if I said I feel like dieing? This is my soulmate, the man I would still wait for until I get old. The same man that taught me how to drive, cook, clean, and made me a mom.
Jose will always be the love of my life. And at the end of the day, his happiness is my happiness.
Why is it fair, he will get to move on faster than I will. Because I wasn't the one cheating. I am not perfect, but when the heart knows, it knows.
And at that time, his heart was somewhere else. It hurts to even type this down, but how else to express my sadness and my own sympathy to my own self.
I prayed last night, I prayed for a second chance, I prayed for strength. But most importantly, I prayed my kids would forgive me. For not being a better wife to their dad.
For letting his heart go elsewhere. For not having mommy and daddy together. I'd like for them to blame me if we don't make it out this time. Because that's how selfish I am.
Because at the end of the day, I do blame myself. I blame myself for knowing he wasn't ready & staying with him because we are a family.
That's selfish of me that thought I deserve to have this perfect family. That's what I grew up in. Yes mom and dad had problems, but never anything they couldn't overcome.
My boys have seen what it's like to have a happy family, atleast what they thought it was after 7 years and everything went down the drain.
The first fight they saw that got physical was last year. I regret that day with all of me and my will. But after that, it's always been "mommy why are you always crying".
As hard it was to explain mommy likes to cry for everything and mommy was hurting. I tried my hardest to keep them from knowing why and who was making me cry this much.
They know, they know it dad. Who else? The one person they've seen mommy with, is the one person that can do this to her.
God hear my prayers, I am on my knees and begging you please, hear me in this one.