A while ago I wrote about a girl. Well sadly I’ve pretty much given up trying to have hope that she likes me back. I’ve pretty much given up trying to impress other girls. I literally have no self esteem left in me. I’ve gone through these sort of phases of me thinking I’m actually good at something.
I thought I was good at drawing- I literally traced out drawings and then added my own little twist. To me I just ripped off someone else’s great artwork. You know what I’m actually good at drawing, stick figures. Sure I’ll make little sketches here or there that look kind of cool. But they don’t really matter.
I thought I could rap- I wrote one rap song for school and everyone got excited. I actually thought they liked it. Even my social studies teacher wants me to rap again. All my rapping videos, are memes. Things everyone makes fun of. Well I mean, they have the right. My rap voice sounds terrible. And some of the lyrics were cringy.
I don’t feel apart of anything. I regularly go to church but I really don’t have any good friends. Sure they talk like they have a perfect relationship with God. But as soon as they walk outside, they’re just like everyone else. When I go to a youth gathering, I really have no one to talk to. Yeah sure here and there I’ll get a handshake or a hi, but nothing else. I always feel like an outcast.
I don’t really have any friends. I have one, but it isn’t the greatest friendship I’ve ever had. The old friends I have just slowly drifted away. Because I’m in high school my senior older brother is with me. So all my old friends are now obsessed with him. They’ll see me and acknowledge I’m there, but they don’t really talk to me.
I don’t really feel like I have any special qualities. I can’t rap, I can hardly write lyrics, I’m a mediocre actor, I’m not that smart, I’m not attractive, I’m not an artist, and I’m not looked up to. What do people say when they look at me? They just say, “wow he’s a little taller than everyone else”. Honestly, I could care less that I’m taller than my older brother. I just want to feel like I’m special in some way.
I wrote a rap song once and planned to perform it on stage. The day before the competition I went to my cousins house. He used to be a rapper so he helped me practice. So I went on stage. I was going to rap, my brother was going to sing. So I started...and I forgot my lyrics after two lines. The youth from my church were there also. I thought I could somehow prove I was more than just a tall kid.
I’ve always had crushes on girls, but I’ve never dated. What I’ve learned is that a lot of girls in my school are stupid, lazy, and they complain. If we get a worksheet to do, they start wailing in the classroom. Of course there are girls that are different. There was one that I actually thought we had something. Of course I would be wrong. I wouldn’t get my happy ending I was wishing for.
I met this one girl and I thought she was perfect. Not for my family, but for me. She was an artist, she liked musicals, her voice was amazing, and she actually had good morals. She was beautiful. Not in a god like way, but she really was beautiful. I invited her bowling for my birthday. And that day, with the help of a friend, I found out that she actually liked me.
So I told her I liked her, and it went pretty well. We didn’t date but we talked more. We both participated in a history based event. We did our own thing, but we wished each other good luck. Neither of us won, and I feel like after that, that’s when things got bad. We hardly talked after that. I could feel that maybe she didn’t have that same feeling that she liked me. Turns out I was right.
Turns out my friend asked her if she liked me. I found out that she liked me as a friend, but nothing more. At that moment I was cool with it. I knew it wasn’t going to last very long. After that I didn’t really have feelings for anyone. Every time I saw her I said to myself, “oh there she goes, that girl you liked” I still like her but like I said in the beginning, I’ve given up thinking that we have a future.
I just feel so lonely. More than usual. I’m not depressed, I’m not suicidal, but I just feel like things are falling apart. I care less about how I do in school, I try to be funny like my older brother, I try to fit in. It just never works. I was at an after school club a while ago. I think I tried to make a joke, and I heard one of my old friends say, “he’s just trying to fit in”
I have social media but I feel like deleting it. Nobody ever sends me anything, all people ever send me, is memes. My brother talks to so many people, especially girls, and I feel like he doesn’t deserve it. He’s a goofball who isn’t the best role model to me. Yet almost every girl he meets, is interested in him. My brother doesn’t know this, but a friend of mine once said that I look better than him.
I don’t look up to my brother, but I’m jealous because of all the attention he gets. On paper, I have good morals, I try to be a good person, I try to do good things. But in real life, no one really cares. All people care about is how someone can benefit them. No one looks for the good in someone, they look to see if this person can give them something.
I truly believe there is a God. But sometimes I feel like he doesn’t care about me. Sometimes I’ll think, “if God put me on this Earth, why does he want me here” other times I’ll ask God “what is my purpose, why do I feel the way I feel”. I can’t really say these things out loud because they sound stupid but it’s what I really think in my head.
The thing I guess I have a little talent in, is writing. I’ve written a couple things and my English teacher gave me good grades in those assignments. I guess the little complements I get here and there are what motivates me.
I’m sorry if I wasted your time. I just needed to write this down. I really don’t care if this is seen or not. I just need some space to put my thoughts. If you enjoyed, great! If you didn’t, oh well. I’m just glad I have a place where I can reflect on my life...