There was a huge, dirty gorilla sleeping in my living room rocker this morning. I stopped short from entering the living room upon see this gorilla. I was both shocked and afraid.
“What the hell?” I whispered, as I scratched myself through my boxers. “How the hell did a gorilla get into the house?”
I quickly looked around the rest of the room. Nothing else seemed unusual. None of the windows seemed to have been broken into, and the room looked just as it was left the night before.
It was as if this gorilla just magically appeared in the rocking chair.
I slowly closed the hallway door, which generally is kept open, so as to keep this gorilla contained to the living room while I figured out what the hell to do.
After a quick stop in the bathroom, I headed back to the bedroom to grab my cell phone, and get dressed. I grabbed the closest pieces of clothing: my dirty jeans and t-shirt from yesterday.
Quickly I dressed and headed back down the hallway towards the living room. I slowly opened the door, and peeked through.
I wanted to make sure I had seen what I thought I had seen, before calling anyone and making a total fool of myself.
Peering through the small crack, I could see the filthy gorilla sprawled out in the rocker. He seemed to be sound asleep. Why I figured it was a he, I don’t know.
I knew I wasn’t about to go check to see if it was a male or female. I really didn’t care, and it was just easier to think of it as a he.
I re-closed the door and quietly slide the chair from the hall desk and lodged it under the knob. In retrospect, this really made no sense.
If this huge beast would have wanted to come through the door, he wouldn’t have used the knob and opened the door like a person.
He would have just used his brute force and smashed his way through the door.
I headed back down the hallway, trying to think of who I should call. I stopped at the hall closest and pulled out one of my sons baseball bats.
Better to have a weapon of some kind, just in case. I went over to the desk and pulled out the phone book and started flipping through the pages.
“Who the hell do you call to get a gorilla out of your house?” I asked myself. I flipped to the P’s, and ran my finger down to ‘Pest Control’.
I stopped at one that advertised ‘No job to big or small’. I entered the number into the phone and waited. After four rings a female answered.
“Always Ready Pest Control, this is Sandy, how may I help you?”
“Yes, this is David Andrews, at 212 East Fourth Street, I have a problem at my house.”
“Well sir,” She replied. “You’ve called the right place. No job to big, no job to small, for Always Ready Pest Control. What seems to be your problem?”
“There’s a gorilla in my living room.”
There was a long pause on the other end, followed by a muffled giggle.
“Could you repeat that sir?”
“There’s a gorilla in my living room.” I repeated.
“Are you sure it’s a gorilla sir?”
“Yes I’m sure,” I answered, a little miffed. “It’s a gorilla. A big fat, hairy, smelly gorilla.”
“Well,” there was another pause. “I’m not really sure that gorillas are considered pests.”
“Well your ad says ‘No jobs to big.’
“But sir, we handle pests, you know bugs, roaches, vermin. I’m not really sure we are equipped for gorillas.”
“Well who would you suggest I call?
“How about the zoo,” She stated. Again I could hear giggling on the line. “Maybe they had an escape last night.”
“Thanks for nothing.” I said as I clicked to end the call. I walked back to the living room door.
I could hear the beast snoring away in the rocker, and the stench was beginning to permeate through the door.
“Screw it.” I said to myself. “I’ll just call the police. They should be able to take care of this. I should have called them in the first place.”
As I was about to dial 911, my phone rang. I looked at the screen, it was my wife.
“Honey,” I whispered into the phone. “You’re not going to believe what is in the living room.”
“Now dear,” She said apologetically, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but my mom came over after you fell asleep, I left you a note on the bathroom mirror. Didn’t you see it?”