Do i even have hope anymore?
If yes, what am i hoping for?
A good future? A quick end? A way to curb my sadness?
People say hope always dies last.
Then, if i'm alive, i still have hope.
Hopes and dreams. Will they save the world? Or are they unatainable fantasies?
I may never know. I will probably leave this world sooner than most people imagine anyway.
Why do i question everything? Why can't i accept things as they are?
It's not like i can change things. I am but a slave.
A slave of money. A slave of time. A slave of my own mortal and limited body.
These shackles will never be broken, no matter how hard i try.
Then why? Why do i even fight? Why do i believe in a world where all you need is love?
A world where you can hug and say nice things to cure everyone's wounds.
Why must this reality be so grim and depressing?
Why do i even wear this mask of happiness anymore? Doesn't it make it harder to notice my suffering?
Do i want people to ignore my sorrows? Maybe i'm afraid my true self will scare people away rather than make them approach me.
Maybe i'm afraid all it's gonna do is hurt those near me.
Inside of me i have an emotional monster. I can't let it show, or it will hurt others.
That's why i must be happy. Because i have no choice but to appear like that.
Appear happy, but never truly be.
What would i do if i even got on a serious relationship?
All i can do is be nice and talk about boring subjects.
Will i even be a good partner? Will i even be able to please her?
What could i even add to her life? I would be but a burden to her.
I'm so selfish. I crave for love but i never question if the other party would feel loved.
That's why i'll never find love.
That's why my existence is meaningless.
I am a hollow man. I can only take, never give back.
But what can you take from a man that has nothing but his own sorrows?
Will someone be kind enough to take them from me?
Do i even deserve it anyway?
Today i had a weird...well weirder than normal fantasy.
I was laying on my bed, half awake, half asleep, while my sister played a game on her bedroom.
I could hear her voice chat and it seemed like she was having fun.
I was happy.
Then i thought: What if i turned into a cat, a common housecat, and entered my sis' bedroom? she loves cats.
At first it was fairly innocent. I would get near her, she would pet me, i would purr and feel happy.
But then it got odd, with me, as a cat, fondling her breasts and licking her nipples.
Soon thoughts came down as i was licking her vagina. And then things changed.
I was human again, but still pleasing my sister, making her feel good as well as i could.
The strange part is, i had incestuous fantasies in my head before, but they quickly got dismissed as my brain tagged it as "wrong and sick"
But now, at that moment, it was nothing but arousing.
I care so much for my sister. I wonder if she would be okay with it. Probably not.
Here i am back to this blighted file. Filling it with my rambling thoughts.
Why did i came back? What attracts me to writing what's on my mind anyway?
Do my thoughts trouble me that much? Why is my brain always on this state.
Of questioning the accepted, of accepting the questionable.
Am i a rebel? Someone who wants to go against the rules?
Maybe it's because the rules were never made with people like me in mind.
Normal. Normal. What it's like to be normal?
To be never plagued by infinite doubt.
To accept things as they are, and to be happy about it.
To have friends and love and to live a fulfilling life.
The things i crave so much.
Peace, Love, Friendship.
Why can't i attain them.
Why do they seem so far away from me.
Why am i so obsessed by such concepts.
My life has been a pursuit of these abstractions.
Abstractions that my head shapes as perfect.
Sigh...why couldn't i choose something simpler and more concrete like money...
I like my sister.
She's smart, strong, beautiful, funny.
She's everything i would want on a girlfriend.
My brain still hesitates about this.
I guess i've really gotten desperate at this point.
I'm searching for love in all the worng places.
Please fuck me.
Make me forget my sorrows and doubts.
Replace them with sexual bliss and carnal sensations.
Please be my mistress. I can't take it anymore.
Do anything you want, i'll be your sex toy.
your own living, breathing sex toy.
Just make me forget.
Just make me stop thinking and start feeling.
Feeling loved. Even if just sexually.
Make the hurt go away.
Turn the pain into pleasure.
I'll exchange my freedom for eternal happiness.
I'll be yours forever.
With someone i Love.
Why am i so ready to throw myself into this state?
I guess i really am that desperate.
Not hopeless, but certainly desperate.
Desperate for affection.
Desperate for love and care.
Even if i have to turn into someone's slave for that.
Get out of my head.
Get out of my freaking head.
Stop making me do this.
Stop making me feel like this.
Stop and leave.
You're not welcome here.
All you bring is pain and suffering.
All you bring is sorrow and hopelessness.
All you bring are bad things.
Get out. Get out before i go mad.
Or am i...already mad?
I struggle in this reality.
Makes a mockery of my being.
But i must accept it.
If i don't accept reality, i'll go mad.
Living solely inside my head.
It will make my dreams my reality but.
Is that a cost i'm willing to take?
No. There should be something of worth in this reality.
I just haven't found it yet.
300 lines of text. Over 15K characters.
Dumping all this stuff here is a bit painful.
It makes me remember why i'm in such a state to begin with.
The sorrow of lovelessness.
I have to cross a high-speed freeway when going to work every day.
Sometimes i was really sad and depressed while doing it.
Why didn't i throw myself under a bus or a truck?
Maybe i wasn't over the edge yet. Maybe i still had the slight glimmer of hope.
Hope that things will get better, one way or another.
Or maybe because i would leave much sadness to those that care for me.
But if they care so much, why can't i feel it.
Why can't i feel.
Why does it feel numb? Why does it feel weak? Why do i feel like i deny it?
I want it! I want it so bad! Let me have it! For once, let me feel love again!
Why must the pain stay, and the love go away?
Why must i have this damn inbalance of feelings inside me.
Wriggling, shaking, bumping into each other. Conflicting emotions all the time.
I can't stand it. I feel i'm losing control of them.
Some time ago i made an imaginary friend.
She was a black cat living on a log cabin in the middle of the woods.
Sometimes she agreed with me, sometimes she didn't.
And yes, i had dirty moments with her, but i digress.
The point is, was i so desperate for someone to talk about i created my own friend?
Nowadays i don't speak to her anymore, but she's still inside my head, waiting for my return.
And as long as i don't forget her, she'll stay there.
I wanna sleep.
I wanna sleep forever.
My dreams will be my new reality.
I'll never feel sadness again.
Inside my head, my own personal world.
Perfect, without flaws. An utopia of kindness.
I will feel loved by the characters in my world.
And i'll make them feel loved too.
Why don't i have this choice?
To resign this reality, and live on my own?
I'm always trying to distract myself from this reality.
I play games, watch videos, anything to make living bearable.
I had no hand on creating the reality i live on. It was crafted by people way before my times.
Who are the people that control reality now? Why can't they make it more kind and happy?
Why must it be so depressing...
Why do i even crave love so damn much?
I can barely define it.
Is it a need that slowly drained away and only now it has become almost empty?
Is it something that my bodily chemicals are telling me to crave?
Or do i just want to feel like somebody would give me their attention?
I promise i'll be the best boyfriend ever.
I'll always be present and help on your matters.
I'll make you feel wanted and loved.
I'll go with you wherever you want.
I'll try new things for you.
I'll make you feel like you're in heaven when we have sex.
I'll do anything for you.
Isn't that what you want from a boyfriend?
The cloudy sky cries behind me.
Do you want me to cry with you?
Last day you were brimming with sunshine.
What made you sad like this?
Is it someone that left you?
Is it something you've done wrong?
Is it something you miss?
I'll stay with you, so matter how much you cry.
Cause i want to see you happy again.
Isn't there a place in the world?
Somewhere where we can just hug and be hugged, no questions asked?
A place with empathy and compassion. People just wanting to help others.
A place where we can talk about anything and not be judged.
The reality we created doesn't allow for such a place.
I hope. I truly hope from the bottom of my heart.
That someday, the world becomes a more compassionate and empathic place.
A place where people will want to help out someone in need just because they feel like it's the right thing, not because they're being paid for it.
A place where love will flourish and everyone can have someone special in their lives.
A place of people that know that kindness can be the only thing one needs.
I can only hope.
I see the moist paper in front of me.
So many tears...
Isn't crying supposed to make you feel better afterwards?
I don't feel...anything.
I feel tired though.
Tired and alone.