The moment i woke up today i knew it was gonna be a shitty day.
The crisis yesterday, my sister fighting my mother because my sis wants to visit her boyfriend's home city.
Even after waking up, taking breakfast and my meds and going out for the walk, i felt like it this wasn't getting out of my mind anytime soon.
Why did i feel so strongly for that character.
A broken family, a broken heart, a broken person.
I can relate. My empathy is too strong. It made me more than understand the pain.
It made me feel it again. Like some sort of trauma.
I was a complete and utter wreck yesterday.
I tried to fap it out before going to sleep, and honestly, it worked.
However i woke up with a headache, and i didn't want to get out of bed.
I tried to jerk it off again, but i just wasn't feeling it this morning.
I had a certainity that the divorce scene would be playing in my head over and over again for all the walk.
Some more dogs came for me asking gor affection. It's like they could feel i needed some.
This empathy, this compassion.
Why does it hurt so much?
All this pain...
...is this pain...good?
It hurts, but the scars harden me.
I become stronger the more pain i endure.
And the stronger i am, the less pain i'll feel.
Maybe this was all a learning experience.
The most horrible learning experience.
I'm at work right now and i still feel the aftereffects of yesterday.
It's like the scene won't get out of my head.
And then other traumatic experiences join it in a hideous coallition of suffering.
Spinning, chanting, laughing at me, the lone boy crying in the center.
I forgot them for so long. Why did they appear again?
Why now, in my most fragile state?
Are they mocking me? For my weakness? For getting triggered about a relatable character?
How hardened must i be to not feel them anymore?
How strong must i get to be able to fight back?
I...i feared i's have to go back to the Psych Ward.
I don't want to ever go back there.
Why is the scene still playing on my head.
Stop. STOP! I've learned it already.
I've felt the pain, and i've become stronger.
I don't need to feel it again, i've learned my lesson!
I don't want to feel it anymore.
I want to think it was the lack of meds that made me like this.
But i fear, even with them, i would've had a bad time anwyay.
Now i want to erase the bad memories out of my head.
All the painful rememberances, gone.
Suck the pain out of my head with a big syringe.
Then dispose it like the useless trash it is.
...But i wonder.
Would i be as compassionate and empathic if i didn't feel all this pain?
Maybe the pain made me the kind and loving person i am.
If i take that out, i would be the one hurting others.
...Maybe that's the dynamic of this world...
Either you cause pain or you soothe it.
The more pain you have, the more kindness you'll be able to give to relieve the pain out of others.
The less you have, the less you'll understand why you're hurting, and why it is bad.
I knew every day couldn't be a happy day.
And i had way too many happy days in a row.
The sadness came back to release itself again.
I just hope all this things i learn thru pain...
...make me have more happy and less sad days.
What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
I'll be able to overcome my traumas and fears.
I'll come out on top.
Everything will be alright.
I'll talk to my internet friends.
There's only Miles and Bardock.
Both don't have much to say about it other than "get well soon" and "hope your day gets better" type of messages.
But all that matters is that they listened to me.
They were there when i needed them.
They may not be able to do much apart from listening.
But sometimes, this is all you need.
We all care for each other.
That is the most important thing about my chat server.
No matter how inactive, crazy, lewd or even discordant it becomes.
We all, deep inside, care for each other.
That may be what supported the community for so long.
I always came forward with kind words and nice messages.
Putting out my "kindness and care" philosophy.
Some didn't buy it, but it passed thru somehow.
If someone needs help, they'll do anything they can to.
If you have a bad day, They'll try their best and cheer you up.
Everyone there cares.
I don't know if they already cared before or if i made them care, but now.
I've created my little world inside the intenret.
It may not be perfect, but seeing how people care there.
I feel like i've done a good job.
A job well done.
My little internet world is made.
Its rules are laid.
It's because I trust.
Trust that everything is gonna be alright in the end.
It will if everyone cares.
And everyone does.
Every pain is a learning experience
Every pain makes you stronger inside
It may hurt, but it shields you afterwards
Every pain feels a little less like a tide
Painful thoughts come to drown my brain in sadness
It's alright, it may take time to forget
Patience is a virtue, make the pain go away
And when it is, better you can truly get
But no matter how much time passes
Hide the thoughts deep inside my brain
One bad trigger and it comes flooding back
Tears abound, sadness is a tidal wave
Everyday, my head tilts a bit lower
Everyday, my expression goes number
Everyday, i forget more and more
Everyday, i start losing touch
Where is all the learning i got from pain?
To what use is it now?
All that i can feel is all the hope being gone.
To never return.
Every pain is a spear into your heart
Every pain makes you want to die today
It does hurt, and it doesn't go away
Every pain numbs your feelings everyday
The tears don't stop
This damn grows
Nothing will top
These feels just blow
I feel exausted
Don't wanna go
Just want to stop
And stay there so
So i can go
I remember when i started the diary.
I was always gloomy and philosophical and pessimistic.
But after this short time...
I'm always remarking fun things i've done in the day, and i try to end the chapters in a hopeful tone.
Of course, i've had my bad days, mind you, but i digress.
The improvement is visible.
And i should keep going.
Like yesterday, i just had a lot of fun with Atlas and Dein.
Discussing stories, sharing furry images, just having fun in general.
I think having 3 people talking together instead of only 2 changes the dynamic.
I don't tire myself that much, because i'm not the only one that can lead the conversation.
I can just let them two talk and catch my breath, so to speak.
That is not to say i don't talk on the group.
I talk there a lot when there's something relevant to me.
And i always try to be helpful to them both.
Like when Dein asked for the dirty scenes i did with Atlas i was kinda afraid of her reaction.
I know she trusts me, but that was kind of personal stuff between me and her.
That said, she said it was fine by her.
And Dein just remarked the sex scenes (Which, by the way, entirely written by yours truly) were excelent.
And, well, they also made Atlas come a number of times.
Heh, i think that's one of the perks of being a sexual deviant.
But nonetheless, i had an immensely fun time with them.
I want them to be my closest friends online.
I understand they're not prefect, but i'm not either.
We all have good and bad parts, and that's what makes us human. (or furry, in case of Dein)
We all must remember the good parts always. And let the bad parts be forgotten.
...Which segways into another thing i realized.
I'm acting in a way i don't usually do.
Social, selfish, cocky, imposing, sometimes even mean.
Were those parts of me long dormant, and the hectic socialization i've done the last weeks woke them up?
Are they good? Are they bad?
I have no idea, but also why not use them sometimes?
As the therapist said, i should be selfish sometimes.
Why can't i be cocky, or imposing, or mean sometimes?
I'm no hero. I'm human. Everyone got those traits somewhere in their brains.
Maybe i'm afraid i'll forget my ideals this way?
Nah, they're much stronger than anything my brain wants.
Empathy and compassion are there to stay.
The pain will make me stronger.
But it won't desensitize me.
I'll shield the pain, but i'll understand it hurts.
Tomorrow is the start of the weekend.
Chat will be very active.
I hope the fatigue doesn't bite me in the as.
As today i'm having a good day.
...Thinking about the divorce scene still hurts a bit...
But it also made me stronger.
I'm stronger now.
Stronger than ever.
And i'll use my strength to make the world a better place.