Diary of a Lonely Man - Part 7
Diary of a Lonely Man - Part 7 stories
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mhfiver
mhfiverThe Lonely Man
Autoplay OFF  •  8 months ago
...74 I can see the world with my own mind

Diary of a Lonely Man - Part 7

...74

I can see the world with my own mind

Peril, pain and carelessness abounds

Somehow, i feel like i could change that

Within my brain an idea's found

With fantastic power, glow and might

One solitary warrior we long

His eyes speak of kindness and of love

But his fight is fierce and he is strong

All the darkness could not stand to him

Something special about his whole womb

When they struck him he just took them in

Filling his own being with their gloom

Curious onlookers could all see

As the monsters went on his inside

As he finished, panting but upright

Shouting all those words with endless pride:

I'll protect! I'll protect!

I'll protect all those near me!

I'll protect! I'll protect!

I'll return their stolen might!

I'll protect! I'll protect!

I'll find out whoever done this!

I'll protect! I'll protect!

I will never let them die!

He was met with much high praise

After all, he was a Hero

But what others couldn't see

He was broken and couldn't heal

Darkness grew inside his belly

Making him sick on his mind

Endless voices of betrayal

No escapism he could find

Peace he never more would have

As the shadows did their foul

Even then he was fine with it

If it meant to stop them now

Sadly, darkness overwhelmed him

All that he could do is cry

Peace will never be returned

To his soul unless he dies

I'll forget! I'll forget!

I'll forget the pain and sorrow!

I'll forget! I'll forget!

Let them haunt me never more!

I'll forget! I'll forget!

I'll forget the searing blackness!

I'll forget! I'll forget!

So just let me!

Let me go!

Take my soul!

Make it stop!

Peace at last!

Peace!

...75

Man those 30 minute walks are really working somehow.

Today i went with my sis' ex-boyfriend and he told me of all the shit he had to go thru to get here.

I had a great time, even if i didn't have much to talk about.

Now i'm just chilling on the server chat with my friends.

They're all so cool, i wish i could be with them in person.

Oh, also atlas talked with me a bit today.

She was super sweet, telling that she went on discord just to say hi to me.

She does care for me a lot. I'm, in her words, her special friend.

The one that didn't leave her side even when she was being aggresive.

The one that forgave her for all the painful stuff she said to me.

The one that...

...that still loves her deep down.

No matter how she feels like she's not worth it.

No matter how she doesn't reciprocate.

No matter how much she gets away from me.

I always hurt a bit when she goes away.

Cause i wanted to stay and talk more.

Be more with her.

She's just so freaking sweet.

...But.

But i shouldn't hold her.

I should let her be free if she so wishes.

My heart pains.

Teary eyes.

My heart can't lie.

Love her i do, and love her i always will.

Atlas, if you're reading this, please don't think you're making me hurt.

When i tasted love with you, i was already bound by it.

I tried to forget, the blood pumping sensation, the quivering happiness.

But it's no use.

I am now in pursuit of love.

And you're the nearest thing i have to it.

It's not your fault.

It was never your fault.

It isn't even my fault.

That's just the way love goes.

We tried, and that's what's important.

We became special friends that way.

And if that's what you want us to be, that's what we're gonna be.

Even if my heart disagrees.

God i'm lonely.

I ache. The tears. Bleeding heart.

I wish to speak to you soon, atlas.

I enjoy every moment we're together.

A big wulfi hug to you.

My sweet little buni.

...76

I get my cloth and put it around my neck.

It's warm and cozy.

I feel better now.

...77

Doandroids contacted me via Steam a short while ago.

I like him a lot.

But...i couldn't help but feel like he was a bit...

...cold?

Maybe i'm expecting too much from him, but he seemed way more lively back in the server days.

Maybe...

Maybe he's grown tired from me.

He says he's glad to talk to me again.

Why.

WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO "LOVE HUNGRY"?

FUCK. He's an amazing friend, and all my brain can process is:

"Need more love"

"Need more attention"

Fuck i'm gonna cry.

Why.

Why.

Why do i have this hunger?

Why do i crave so much?

Why is it never enough?

Is it because it's online. Because there's no physical presence?

I don't know. But it feels lacking.

Now i'm torn.

Am i right, and is he being colder to me?

Or am i just a fucking attention whore?

This is bothering me way too much.

And i don't want to ask Doandroids cause it would be very rude.

Maybe he's had a bad day. Maybe he just wants to blow some steam off and...

...and thinks i'm annoying him.

Fuck. FUCK. I HATE THIS FEELING.

I'm sweating cold.

Hungry.

So hungry.

I need.

I need more love.

I need.

My Id is taking control of me now.

Deep breaths.

I want to cry so badly.

But i'll hold.

This time, not even one tear will fall.

I'm so needy.

I'm so hungry.

I'm so...

...so...

...sad...

NO.

NO I'M NOT.

I'm not sad.

I am happy.

I have wonderful friends.

I have a loving family.

I am worthy of being loved.

Loved as much as i need to.

DON'T CRY.

...damn.

Two tears.

This time, two tears fell.

One for Atlas, One for Doandroids

Tears of loneliness.

Tears of need.

Tears of introspection.

Introspection.

Maybe that's what this whole thing is about.

To see what my mind is about.

To see why it craves so much.

Crying...

Crying is OK.

It means you still have feelings.

Feelings for others.

Maybe...

Maybe i'm just scared those feelings are one-sided

..78

I just had a long and nice chat with Doandroids.

It seems the reason he isn't around anymore is that he's getting away from the internet.

He's living a healthier life style than i do.

I still love playing games and using the internet.

But i love much more to talk with my friends. Even if it makes me a bit anxious.

I kinda envy him, but i guess he's reaping what he sowed.

He also showed some interest on this diary. He said i kept putting myself down on the early parts.

And i do agree with him. But it was a necessary thing.

To externalize that pain. To make it visible, understandable.

I've become happier with myself since then.

He helped me see that.

I'm improving.

Hope.

Hope was not gone.

It was just lost somewhere.

And i just found part of it.

He also said it could be turned into a book.

I know i've touched upon it on before here, but i was half joking then.

But now that an actual person said it...

...Maybe in the future.

This is riddled with typos and punctuation problems so i guess i'll need to fix that first...

But that's for the future.

Right now, all that matters is me, the keyboard and the screen.

The process of thoughts into words.

Raw.

Unedited.

Spur of the moment stuff.

If it's something on my mind, i'll write it down.

Figure out what it's about.

Reflect.

Introspect.

Think.

And Rethink.

Trying to figure out the riddle that is the human mind.

How can such a complex mix of chemicals and electricity be used to crave such simple concepts?

Am i misusing it?

Nah, that's bullshit.

Love is worth thinking about.

I feel a rend on my heart everytime i say that word.

Love.

Could mean so many things.

I won't try to explain what love is to me here cause you probably already know from the rest of the rant.

...On another thought, maybe not. But i can't explain it either.

Love is just...love.

Emotion, unbridled, raw, pure.

..79

I'm talking with a girl from Miles' server.

Her name is Semen Demon, and she seems to be a sexual deviant, just like me.

Only the difference is, she's got a boyfriend and she's not a virgin, unlike me.

Anyway, I tried talking to her and be nice to her and...

You know...

Maybe...find love again?

Of course after she showed me her boyfriend i dropped the idea.

But we kept talking about sex and kinky stuff.

All in all, she's a funny girl, pretty and likes to be kinky.

But something struck me.

I've only went for her because she was a girl.

And she looked available.

I even got angry when Miles interrupted our chat.

I went with the distinct purpose of picking her up.

I was proactive and advanced myself into her.

I acted...unlike me.

All because the promise of new love was shown to me.

I...don't regret talking to her.

In fact, even after she said she had someone already, we kept discussing stuff.

In the end, i got another great friend, but love is still missing.

But it's alright. No need to rush things.

I also talked about Atlas

The whole one week lovers then breakup then roasting then reconciliation.

She said Atlas was a bitch for doing that and getting another boyfriend.

While i already forgave Atlas, i can understand why Semen Demon thinks like that.

Miles also became interested on it because he didn't know me and Atlas even had something going on.

He acted unlike himself too. He sounded hopeful to be, saying i'm too nice to not have that love.

Which makes me happy seeing how much people think i deserve love.

The tears are coming now.

They're happy this time.

May they be happy every time.

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