Sorrow bliss pain pleasure love hate friendship not.
Fun dull life death ugly alone unloved unperson.
Seconds minutes hours days weeks months years wasted.
Garbage scum asshole naive unfunny why when dead.
Dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead.
Make me foul
Then it stops
Short of death
Why must I
Suffer like that
All my brain
Craves one thing
For my being
But it's futile
It's no use
All of life
Is a ruse
Makes me wonder
If our world
Would be better
If i'd go
Half a man
Free the soul
End this perversion
All i'll be
Just a smear
Of this man
Made of regret
As the night approaches my body feels strange.
My blood gets pumping, i get more giddy.
My brain slows down, muffling the painful thoughts.
Why only at night? My mornings are always shit, and my afternoons aren't all that great either.
Is it the feeling of ending the day and eventually going to bed? Maybe.
But it's so bizarre. I've always liked walking around at night.
Seeing the shadows loom, and the dim lights of the streets barely reveal its surroundings.
Like i could fill the dark areas with my imagination.
The silence is also nice. The feeling that everyone is at peace.
It's strange. But i like it.
Today i went to the therapist.
I was in a terrible state.
I really needed this session to be the one.
It...was, i guess.
I mean, at least it felt like it.
She told me to take a 30 minute walk every day in the morning instead of getting back to bed.
Today i alredy didn't go to sleep after coming back from her.
But i did cry a lot when back home.
However it felt different from before.
It didn't feel awful. It felt...liberating.
She also got me a small message:
"This is me
-> I'm intelligent
-> I'm very empathic
-> I'm compassionate
-> I can socialize
-> I'm responsible
-> I'm funny
-> I'm truthful
-> I'm loving"
She said to leave it besides the computer and make a copy at work.
I've been trying to hammer the words into my head.
See if my brain can see them.
Can make them my reality.
Because on her reality, i'm like this.
She sees me as something much greater than I think i am.
But perhaps she's right. This is the real me. The me my brain doesn't want to see.
The me my coworkers see.
The me my family sees.
The me my internet friends see.
The me i must see too.
The me i want to be.
The me i am.
Who i am.
...The void inside me is still there. But it feels smaller.
Maybe this is where things start to change.
Change for the better.
For my better.
My sister has been very cold today.
I went to ask if she wanted to stroll with me and she retorted saying i already do that at work.
After some time i gave up and just said forget it.
...But i can't help but feel bad for her.
She probably had a bad day.
I wanted to lighten up but she was too gloomy.
What kind of brother am i? I can't even help my little sister.
She doesn't help herself, either, but i still feel like i should be able to help in some way.
I just don't know how...
Maybe in the future, she'll be more tender towards me, and i'll be able to approach.
When i'm bored and there's internet i usually browse TVTropes
The website is like Wikipedia, but a lot more informal and easy to understand.
They have quite a few articles about personality theories.
Reading thru them, i can find my type right away.
Idealistic. Compassionate. Loyal.
But it also reminds me of my bad parts, and that hurts a bit.
However, one part really struck me...
I can't think of a better description of how i am right now.
I actually want to cry.
But i won't.
I'll hold the tears in.
I shouldn't cry everytime i'm reminded of my utmost desire.
That said i don't think i can hold the tears for long.
I'll probably cry in bed when i go to sleep.
Then fap while thinking of a loving girlfriend.
I'm almost crying.
I have to hold them.
I have to be mature, be strong.
I want to but i won't.
I must resist.
It's not a pie in the sky idea.
It'll be true someday.
Hold the tears.
Hold them in.
...A tear just fell off my right eye.
...Should i give in?
One tear is enough.
If i can't hold them all then just let one fall.
No more crying.
No more tears.
Just that one.
My Id is a monster hungry for love.
If he doesn't get his share, he torments my Ego.
My Superego doesn't help either.
My mind is a tower made of soap bars. One bad wave and it comes toppling down.
And i'm tired of rebuilding it over and over.
My mind loves its own creations.
Stories of unlikeliness. Finding the love of my life by accident.
Getting to know a wonderful girl by chance.
There's also the dirty bits, but i'm sure you know that already.
Maybe marrying, having a family, living a happy life.
Sometimes i zone out and start fantasizing.
This happens most often on the bus, but also at work, when i'm showering, at bed...
I know this disconnects myself from the actual world.
But it feels good.
It brings me comfort.
It makes me happy.
...The tears are coming back.
But i won't let them fall.
I just gotta believe.
In my ability to find love.
I will find it.
Or i'll die lonely and sad.
And i don't want that.
The void inside is pulsating.
I can feel my body quiver.
Why is it so agitated?
Is it because i'm not giving in?
Is it because i didn't cry when i wanted to?
It doesn't feel good.
Feels like i'm gonna puke.
I'm still not sure.
Will holding my tears make me stronger?
Or will it just delay the inevitable?
Is it the right choice?
Is crying good or bad?
My guts say holding back is bad.
But my guts hate me.
I feel sick.
Like i've been withdrawn from a drug.
My tears are that drug.
My Id is the dealer.
Must not give in.
Must hold them back.
Must distract myself.
With something. Anything.
I won't cry.
I feel dizzy.
I need someone.
I started doing the 30 minute walk around my neighborhood this morning.
I was glad the weather was sunny instead of therribly foggy like last day.
The walk was uneventful but fun, and i feel a bit better for it.
I guess the therapist really knows what she's doing.
After that i got to talk a bit with Doandroids today.
He's one of my favorite friends to talk to.
His tone, the way he talks is so soothing and reassuring.
He also seems to be leading a happier life so i'm happy for him.
I also gave him this very rant i'm writing right now.
So yeah, congrats, you're now officially part of the mad ramblings of a lonely man.
I also talked to Bardock on the server. He seemed to be better off too.
He also said "I love you no homo" to me.
Like the way i send these kinds of messages. Out of the blue.
Made me glad.
Glad someone else also wants to spread love.
Even if they have no reason for it.
Bardock is cool.
Doandroids is cool.
Man I have cool friends.
Sometimes i wish i could hang out with them.
But having them as internet friends is already something i enjoy very much.
So last time i was getting back from the therapist...
Well...i saw a LED sign saying Sex Shop.
I kinda wanted to enter, because...
Well, i used to use a makeshift "dildo" to penetrate myself.
But i lost it and i can't find a replacement
And i refreshed the page and lost all i wrote, and believe me, it was not little.
Sigh...lemme rewrite it all...
So yeah, lost my makeshift toy and can't find a replacement.
So i guess, since i lost it, i may get a "real" one this time.
I was really curious about entering the shop.
But my mind was like. "NOPE NOPE NOPE TOO NERVOUS FOR THAT"
So i just passed by. Besides, i would have to hide it, and i have no idea where.
I never told my family i ever used an object on my butt to pleasure myself.
And i don't feel comfortable enough to tell them.
My house is tiny and has almost no doors, so privacy is a bit hard to achieve.
That's why i take baths after everyone went to sleep.
So i can...please myself without having a heart attack every time someone passes by the door.
But maybe...maybe i should tell them.
Someday i'll enter the shop. Get myself a dildo.
And, you know, maybe something else that catches my eye. both for the frontside and backside.
And some real lube, cause liquid soap burns sometimes.
Come home with a huge pack of sex stuff, and say "Bought some toys for myself!"
Man, i feel really depraved.
But, you know, i wanna try everything on myself, since it's on me and nobody else.
So yeah, it's a possibility. Though i probably won't go very big the first time cause i can't strech that much.
Of course, I can change that with practice... ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)