What's stopping me? What's making me not kill myself?
Fall off a building, slit my wrists, take poison.
I could do it anytime, nobody is stopping me.
Nobody but myself.
Do i still have hope in myself?
Hope that i'll get better. i'll find love.
Hope that i'll love myself someday.
I try, i really try to put faith onto me.
Saying to myself that i'm worth it, that i'm a cool guy, that i'm smart.
Why do they feel like empty words?
Empty words from a hollow man.
Hollowed out by its idealism, its naivette.
He holes up on his own head. A better place for him to be.
A happier place. An escape route.
Escaping from the cruel and uninteresting real world.
This man is supposed to be sane.
Yet i only see madness in his words.
He talks of the impossible, the insane.
Things that are not, and will never be.
Yet he goes on and on, rambling his ideals.
Broken ideals. Broken man. Broken heart.
A broken man can't fix himself.
It's better to replace him with a working one.
Fixing takes time and effort and money.
Thrown in the bin like a defective toy.
My sister is interacting on the chat server i created.
I'm happy for it, and she looks like she's getting along well.
She also talked about a lot of things she usually doesn't share.
Her abusive relationships, body image, the feeling of being watched, her agressiveness.
I personally think my sister to be a beautiful woman, no matter how fat she claims to be.
And about her abusive relationships...
Let's just say i will have a talk with her tonight.
I may not look like it, but i get really mad and distressed when someone or something bothers my sister.
I'm very protective of her. All i want is to see her happy.
And if she was a bit less agressive towards contact, i swear i would hug her all the time. I'm really proud of her.
She's an amazing girl. Too bad i can't help her depression. She's much stronger than me, at least mentally.
But i can see she craves love just as much as me.
I would like to give her love so much. She really deserves it.
Cause you know, being loveless sucks.
What do i write here?
My mind feels like it has something to say.
Yet i can't put it into words.
Maybe i would be repeating myself.
Maybe it's something that really can't be put into words.
Incomprehensible emotions. That even i can't understand.
My brain feels like a puzzle missing a piece.
What is that piece, where did i leave it?
Did i lose it, or it never came with me in the first place?
Since i was born, this puzzle was being built.
Piece by piece, year by year.
As i've grown, so has the puzzle.
Grown complex and big.
But now i can't complete the puzzle.
There's a piece missing.
I can still keep building the puzzle, but it will never be complete.
The empty space where the missing piece would be will loom over me for eternity.
That puzzle piece.
Is what i must find.
Is what i may never find.
It's what i want, what i need...
To be whole again.
You must be wondering how bored i am to actually write this.
Truth is, i'm pretty bored, but this text file has meaning to me now.
It may contain subjects i may never touch upon again.
It may contain the secret to my happiness.
It may even entertain you, maybe.
But most importantly, it's a log.
It's something i'm puting my faith on once more.
Faith that it will help with understanding myself.
Human beings are complex, so the more information you have about someone, the better.
Maybe the next time i go to the therapist, she may know exactly what to do to help me.
Today i went to the supermarket with my sis.
All in all a fun experience, specially when my routine is so static.
However, when we came home, she said to me i was becoming slower and dumber for some reason.
I became a little worried, and a little sad.
My sister has no reason to lie, but i have no idea why i'm like this now.
Is it the medicine? The depression? I really have no idea why.
Am i becoming even more crippled than i already am?
At least i can se she's worried for me, so that's a plus, i guess.
Today i had a strange sensation.
I was delivering some docs to a nearby building.
I realized my brain became kinda numb to my surroundings.
I felt strange. Like a walking husk.
My body was moving, but my mind was slow.
Maybe i'm just used to the path i take so i just turn my brain off anyway.
But now that my sister said she was worried for me because of this...
Now i'm becomming actually worried.
It's not how much you hit, but how many hits you can endure that matters.
Is that life? Taking punches from everything until you're knocked out?
If life by itself was worth living, we wouldn't need escapism.
Is that the meaning of life? To either endure or avoid it as much as possible?
The initial status quo of life is pain and suffering, and we tried to change it.
But no matter how much the world changes, it will always happen.
We put meaning on the meaningless, try to embelish raw emotion, even to stop our own instincts.
Because, after all, humans are animals. The rational constantly fighting the instinct.
But neither my rationale nor my insticts are helping ease my pain.
My reasoning gives me self-soubt and awareness of the pain.
My instincts drive me towards rash decisions and impulsiveness.
Both are making me desire death more and more.
I have very few things that comfort me anymore.
If i somehow lose them, i will lose myself.
My life will be meaningless.
My death will be my desire.
Death. No more pain. No more suffering. No more thoughts. No more doubts.
No more reason. No more instincts. No more decisions. No more tears.
I don't know why but i feel like i can only see the true reality when i'm deeply depressed.
It's like happiness clouds my vision and the depression sobers me up.
Like being happy makes me see lies and half-truths, sugarcoated to make me so.
In sadness i can see how grim my reality truly is.
When i'm in despair, is see most clearly the truth.
How painful and meaningless existence is.
How everything we built is to distract us from the real world.
How i don't matter.
I am but one in billions. A failed experiment.
Where i was born. The way i was raised. My past decisions.
A random combination that resulted in me, another depressed millenial.
Yet another one in millions throughout the world.
Starving for care and love.
This isn't a first world problem anymore.
The whole world has it.
And they pretend we don't exist. Like we're in the shadow of society. The ugly unseen part.
When will our problems and their magnitude be truly understood?
When will our desperate cries for help be heard?
When will we really be helped?
I can't wait anymore.
I feel empty now.
I don't look forward to anything.
My break time. Going home. Playing games. Sleeping on my bed. The weekend.
Am i alive?
Why do i feel dead?
Dead innocency. Dead feelings. Dead hope.
Dead happiness. Dead thoughts. Dead love.
I wonder how much medication i would need to stop feeling.
To be a drooling, thoughtless piece of flesh vegetating his days away.
Would that be better than killing myself?
Just sedating my brain so much that it stops hurting.
Numb the pain.
Make me not care if i'm happy or sad.
Make me not care if i'm alive or dead.
Make me not care if i'm nice or angry.
Make me not care.
Not care at all.
Pacify my mind. And all the bad thoughts in it.
I can't even cry anymore.
The tears don't come out.
I would expect them to, but they don't.
Maybe my body realized all they made was a mess.
That they don't make me feel at ease anymore.
I feel a void growing inside me.
It makes me want to vomit.
Dull dull dull dull dull dull.
I'm tired. Not sleepy. Tired.
Of my existance.
Of my life.
Tired of being.
I can't even hold my mask anymore.
It's shattering before my eyes.
Where is the hope?
I can't see it anymore.
Does it mean i'm dead?
Go to sleep.
Go to sleep my child.
Leave your worries at the door.
I'll feed you a warm slice of love.
You can take a nice bath of peace.
I'll stay with you by the bed and tell you a story.
A story of hope.
When you're asleep, i'll kiss you on the forehead.
And leave you to your dreams.
Why are you crying my child?
I see tears pass by your cheeks.
Is something troubling you?
Don't worry, i'll stay with you.
I won't abandon you.
Go to sleep my child.
Go to sleep.
The tears came back like a torrent.
They remind you of your pain. Of your feelings.
Feelings of loneliness and abandon.
Feelings you can't deny.
Feelings you can't soothe.
Feelings you can't stop.
Should i be happy? I couldn't cry before.
Now i can, but nothing really changed.
I still feel empty.
Can't distract from it.
MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP
IT NEVER STOPS
IT WILL NEVER STOP
PLEASE KILL ME
MAKE IT STOP
ONLY GETS WORSE
WORSE AND WORSE AND WORSE AND WORSE AND WORSE AND WORSE AND WORSE
Don't wanna wake up.
Never wake up.