So much has changed...
I got more confident, healthier, more emotionally balanced.
I'm exercising. I even got in an actual romantic relationship! (Even if it was brief...)
And i can see i'm way better than back there.
Yet...the emptiness...it's not gone.
It will never be gone.
I've got good at ignoring it...but i wish i could make it a little bit smaller.
Fill in the void that resides inside my soul. Find someone that can quench my desire, my...need.
It's not only sexual too. I do want sexual contact, but i've found out my emotional need is far greater.
And even though i've bettered myself...the world around me is the same.
I realize the averted eyes, the topic changes, ways around my advances.
People whose friend circle is full. People who don't think i'm worth. People who don't want to risk it. People that don't even realize i'm here.
Why am i still not enough? What else they want from me? I'm doing my best here!
All i want is a chance. If i fail, no big deal, but i need to try. If i never try, i'll never forgive myself, even though this doesn't depend only on my part.
Yes, i did have a relationship a while ago, but it was destined to fail. I realized i was doing all the work of maintaining the relationship and the other party was doing jack shit.
And from this faliure i learned, and so i will from future ones.
Yet i feel like i'm gonna die in the beach, never actually having what i'm working so hard for.
Is this all to waste? Am i just not good enough to have a girlfriend? I'm willing to go through the hurdles, but it seems there's no one waiting for me on the podium.
I feel alone. I feel like the only way i can feel fulfilled is by sharing my emotions. Why do i feel nobody cares?
I wish i was past this...
But it's part of me.
I am this.
I am emotion.
I am desire.
I am a loving creature.
Smack dab in the middle of a world scared by me.
They're scared of love.
Because love can hurt.
I've felt this already.
But is it worth avoiding it and all the amazing feelings it can give you because it can also bruise you?
I don't think so. But i also feel like i'm the only one that thinks this way, even if it's obvious i'm not.
Worse. Betrayal and deception are also very prevalent when dealing with emotions. This compounds the fear. This isolates people.
Why so isolated?
Why so fearful?
I don't mean any harm...
All i want is to share.
Share my emotions.
Share my love.
...I wonder who's going to be the lucky gal? Or should i say i'm the lucky guy for getting a girlfriend?
I guess we'll both be pretty lucky.
Let's see if i'm indeed lucky...