Rend, slash, bleed, trash.
My heart is pumping full force.
What matters to be open if nobody else is?
I knew from the start, but i went for it anyway.
I knew it was gonna come.
Why did i push forward?
Why didn't i pull back?
I knew it was gonna happen.
I wasn't gonna change him.
But i tried anyway.
I try the impossible day after day.
Pain is everywhere.
To stop it is a monumental task.
I'm happy with doing my small part.
But sometimes i feel...
When i see the oportunity to cease this suffering.
I go for it no matter how impossible it seems.
I'm really desperate.
I have hope to meet someone who'll soothe my pain too.
But patience isn't my forte.
Someone comes and reassures me.
Gives me hope.
Shows me my worth.
That someday things will be better.
The most unlikely one.
With the most unlikely words.
Fill my heart with expectation for the future.
Gives me reason to go on.
I don't need raw love.
All i need is someone that thinks i'm worth it.
That i'm a spot of color in a bleak world.
...i met them two.
Dein and Miles.
One whose pain i can feel inside me, and through any means would like to help, but couldn't.
Other whose compassion towards me, even in the face of adversity, gave me peace of mind and of heart.
The internet sure is a strange place.
You can lose a lot of hope, but if you're lucky, you can also gain hope.
It was all worth it.
All worth it.
I must never forget of their kindness.
I must never forget of their pain.
For they make me whole again.
They make me who i am.
They value who i am.
I'll be fine.
I'll be all good.
The tears come as always.
I'm used to it.
No need to hold back.
Let them fall.
Soak my shirt.
I still can't believe it.
No matter how i look at it.
No matter how hard i try.
I can't see malice on Miles' statement.
Just because i'm an optimist doesn't mean i can't see malice. I just consider bad things secondary to the good things.
But there, on that statement, no matter how much i overthink it.
Even the most realistic outlook gives me hope.
If it's a lie, then it's a white lie, and he told me that because he knew it would give me hope, even if false hope. Fuels my fantastic mind and distracts me from bad thoughts.
If it's an empty promise, it means that he wanted to do that for me, that i was worth the thought alone, and it's the thought that counts.
If it's an actual promise, but he can't fulfill it, it means that he tried to make it succeed. That i'm worth his effort and time.
If he actually fulfills it, though, my life will have such a revolution.
Real friends. Real opportunity.
Maybe even meet her...
God what would i give to meet her in person.
To hug and kiss. To be able to be with her.
I don't think i would be able to hold myself from doing what i truly want.
Grab her tight and kiss her with all the passion on my body.
Declare my undying love for that lady.
Unchain my Id for the object of his desire.
Feel the warmth of her body touching mine.
Let her know the intensity of my emotion.
The embrace of the nicest person she knows.
...Again, this could all be fantasy. Exaggerations by my head, but that made me ponder.
Wouldn't i rather have good exaggerations rather than bad ones?
Too much hope can be dangerous, but i'm cherishing any i can find.
And that is one i will cherish forever.
I had so much to tell the therapist today.
My sister's rejection, Miles' statement, Icky Incestuous Stuff*tm*, My Dad vs my Mom...
Overall i went out happy and reassured of my actions.
Went home, and had kind of a serious talk with my mother.
She said that it's not that she doesn't wants us to reapproximate, it's just that she wants him to repent from his sins or something like that.
So i hugged her tight and told her i would never leave her.
Then i turned to my sister...sigh.
Asked her why he thinks our mother is toxic. She said it's because she talks a lot of shit, and i do understand that, but that's no reason to hate her.
Then she said that mom is always undermining her achievements and questioning her abilities. I can't say for sure, but i'm thinking she's being a bit too harsh.
After this, i asked her about me approximating her.
As always: "I like to be alone"
Because socialization sucks, she says.
And she warned me that it'll suck for me too.
Specially because Dad will try to backstab me.
I asked why.
She said that he's just an oportunist that wants to take advantage of his sons cause he's old.
I can't read his mind, and i would never accuse him of such a thing.
However, mother said the same.
...I don't know.
But then again, they're the only ones i'm trying to reapproach. My mom, dad, uncle. I'll still be me, and she says i'm not toxic.
I asked why.
She said she didn't have to give explanations.
I asked i just wanted to understand her.
Then she goes about reading books to understand people better.
The human mind can't be completely described.
She says all socialization gives is opportunities for backstabbing.
I asked for a chance.
I'd ask her who did that to her, besides the obvious culprit, but both of us were emotionally degraded.
I went to my room to cry for about 30 minutes on my bed while shaking and wailing. I felt terrible, like a brick directly to my face.
I won't read books to understand my sister. I want to listen to her, not to analyze her or classify her on a personality subtype.
If reading books were all we needed, we wouldn't need therapists.
That was a bad blow, but i won't give up.
I'll make her cough out the reason.
Then i'll be able to act accordingly.
I failed, but i learned from it.
Next time, i'll be better.
Just had a video chat with Atlas.
I've never video chatted with anyone in my life.
I felt a bit nervous, but Atlas looked a lot more.
She showed herself doing her makeup.
She's very good at it, and she looks just beautiful, with or without it.
But the makeup was very nicely done.
After that she laid on her bed and we (Read I) talked a bit.
She just looked so cute and beautiful laying on her bed. Almost makes me want to do dirty things with her on video chat.
But alas i was at work, and she was super nervous so i didn't want to push her.
After that i went to be receptionist.
Sigh...i wanted to stay with her a bit longer.
See her beautiful face on the screen, the cute giggles, the funny faces.
It's as close as i'm gonna be to actually be with her in person.
At least for the time being.
The video chat actually brought me a lot of joy.
It feels like atlas trusts me more.
She's special to me, but am i special to her?
I feel like i am.
I feel worthy of her.
I want she to feel worthy of me too.
I wanna do video chat again.
I love her so much, it's like laying in bed with her.
Touch that beautiful face.
Kiss her with fiery passion.
Make us both feel in heaven.
And probably drink a lot too, why not?
Making me giddy for things may not even be true.
I like her.
Today was rough so far.
Went on kind of an ultimatum with trying to reaproach my sis.
To say it didn't gone well is an understatement.
I started saying that, for the time being, i won't try reapproaching her again cause she's disliking it a lot.
She said okay.
Then i started to talk about perception.
How i can see her as both ugly and pretty, but i think the pretty parts are more important than the ugly ones.
She says she's only ugly, no part of heer pretty. not a single one.
I asked of she only thought that because she couldn't see the pretty parts.
Again "I can only see ugliness on myself, my truth is the only truth"
I aksed if my truth is fake then.
"My truth is the only truth"
Then i just gave up.
I felt completely defeated.
After i was getting ready for my walk, my sis wanted to speak with me.
About how she's being backstabbed daily by my mom's toxic behavior.
That is the reason i can't approach her.
The wounds need time to heal, i can't heal them.
Maybe in the future i'll be able to approach.
But right now, any action is gonna result in pain for her.
I'm gonna retreat.
Try again another time.
In other news, Miles finally came back from his 2 day hermit mode.
I'm glad he's alright.
He said his plans got skewed, even though the result is the same.
I reassured him that he can count on me. He seemed thankful.
All in all fast Friday for me, but my head feels like it's overheated.
Like it needs some rest.
Well the weekend is just here. I'll have father's day with my dad, some drinking with my mom, possible drunk streaming games. It'll be a hell of a weekend.
Let's just hope it's a good hell of a weekend.
Back from the weekend. Hoo boy.
Streamed both days, Had a fun pizza night at father's day with my dad, voice chatted with Doandroids while he was on stream, played a lot of games, tried to get drunk but the wine was too weak.
For the streams, i played Abe's Oddysee and just got angry because it's haaaard. I also played some other random games.
Pizza night was fun, i ate so much pizza. It was great.
Got to be part of Doandroids' stream. He says he liked it a lot cause it was like couch commentary. So much fun.
The wine i drank was weak and i barely felt the drunkness...oh well.
It was the most fun weekend.
I hope the weekdays are just as good.