I had a lot to talk about.
It seems last week was REALLY active.
Like new friends, revelations, thought processes...
I can barely believe it was just a week.
It seems like a month passed.
Maybe i should slow down...
I mean, i believe this change is for the better.
...But it's also tiring me in a way.
Not only socially, mind you.
Sometimes i feel like laying down and crying all my worries out.
I actually talked with her about holding the tears.
She said i didn't need to do it all the time.
That i could let go.
What was problematic was crying all the time.
Which i don't do anymore.
But...i feel like i should have a reason to cry.
Yet i don't see the reason...
I made lots of cool friends.
Atlas is happy, and says she wants to do the fun things we used to do.
Dein is really cool and i'm glad i met him.
Semen Demon is a deviant, and that in my book is instantly cool.
Because remember, i like the weird.
Maybe what i crave is something more physical.
Physical presence, touch, feel.
Not only in a sexual way, mind you.
I told her about all the stuff that happened to my sister.
And that made me kind of realize something.
I really want to hug her.
I feel like she needs that.
Yet i'm scared.
She's so closed and aggresive.
Yet all i want is to hug her.
Even if she said she hates physical contact.
She says she tried searching for affection on others.
But that only gave her regret.
Now she searches for affection only on herself.
I want to give her affection.
I want to give her love.
I really love my sister.
I want to believe all she needs to be happy is a little affection.
A little attention.
I've never been able to do that to her.
I crave her attention too sometimes.
Like she's the only one who could understand me...
Even if i doubt that, i'm willing to believe she tries.
She tries to understand.
She tries to approach.
She became so closed she thinks she doesn't deserve that.
Of course that's speculation.
That's all my head.
But what else am i going to believe.
She doesn't tell me anything.
Sometimes i just lay by her side...
...Watching her play her games.
Chatting with her team.
Watching her have fun.
I just want to jump and hug her.
Tell how much i love my sister.
How much i believe in her.
How much i want her to be happy too.
How glad i am to be her brother.
...Maybe i should open up to her...
Tell her all about this.
She can read this, actually.
She's a member of my chat server, and i pinned my diary there.
So far the only one that commented on it is Doandroids.
She says this would be invading my privacy...
...But honestly, all those years i was so closed and secretive.
All those years hiding my feelings.
All those years hiding my fears.
My preferences, my wants, my needs.
I want to be open.
I want to be wide open.
I want to spill my guts out to everyone.
I don't wanna wear a mask anymore.
I want to be my true self.
I don't want to be a coward anymore.
I just wanna be who i am.
Look at all those tear marks on my shirt...
Maybe it shows how much all of this is true.
How much this hurts me...
...but also liberates me.
Shows me the true path.
Shows me my true feelings.
Shows me my true self.
But also guides me.
My pain will guide me.
Will show me what i must do.
Will make me stronger.
I will be able to crack my sister.
I'll give her love and attention she needs.
And once she realizes how much she needs it.
We'll be happy together.
Brother and sister.
Alisson, my coworker, just called me to help him check the classrooms.
I really like when i go work with him, cause i can kinda goof off without looking like a crazy lonely man.
Also he likes to talk about games, so we have plenty to talk about.
Work always seems a bit lighter and a lot more fun with him.
It barely felt like an hour.
I don't know, doing work alone is good cause you can kinda zone out and think about other things.
Like stuff to write on a diary, for example.
He showed me an old PC he found around a few weeks ago.
I love messing around with old technology.
Something about old stuff.
Old games, old music, old movies, old tech.
It fascinates me.
The green glow of a phosphor monitor.
The dry chiptunes of a C64 sound chip.
The classic pseudo-3d graphics of yore.
You probably have no idea what i'm talking about.
It's fine, since it's not something everyone likes.
Specially millennials like me.
It's older than me, but i just love it.
The simplicity, the ingenuity, the "just works" philosophy.
I even tried my hand at coding BASIC on an Apple II emulator. For fun, mind you.
I guess old stuff just agrees with my simple mind.
That's not to say there's no complex old stuff.
But it usually is simpler than today's.
I won't be a douche and say i'd like to live in the 80s or something, cause that would be dumb.
However, if i ever have the chance to go on a technology museum...
Boy, i'd be giddy as hell. Even more if i can test out the stuff.
Actually get to touch the thing, unlike with emulations and such.
I won't say emulators suck, cause i wouldn't like old games without them.
But, you know, actually trying the actual machine once would be cool.
Cause usually, the older the stuff, the more pricey and rare it is.
Just imagine getting to try a real Atari 2600 with the real sucky joystick.
Feel like a kid on a age i've never been part of...
It's not nostalgia, since i didn't have those old things as a child.
It's more like...historical interest.
See how things evolved, from simple beginnings to today's real time 4K 3D graphics...
...and then back to simplicity with some indie games and their retro feel.
It brings me comfort. Knowing that even if games get more complex, some people like simple old stuff.
2 buttons, catchy music, 8 worlds, no story, no tutorial, just run and jump.
Okay i need to type this out. Games can wait.
I've been reading a webcomic called UberQuest. Dein recommended me.
I found out one of the characters got divorced parents.
Now i just want to cry.
My therapist said the divorce between my parents could be the reason i'm so fucked up.
GOD I'M CRYING SO MUCH RIGHT NOW FUCK!
Why did that trigger me so hard?
I mean the comic did tickle a few of my nerves already, but not like this.
Not so much.
Why did i get to be so fucked up like that?
The more i talk to my friends the more i crave it.
It isn't helping.
I'm so needy.
SO FUCKING NEEDY.
They're not cutting it.
FUCK I KNEW IT.
I'm out of my meds.
I knew i forgot something this morning.
Well, that kinda relieves me a bit.
Is that what i become when i stop taking them?
A needy crying pile of sadness.
God, i just wanna be happy...
WHY CANT I BE HAPPY
I WANNA SCREAM SO LOUD RIGHT NOW
FUCK THIS SUFFERING WHY
I HAVE NO REASON TO BE THIS SAD WHY WHY WHWYWHWYWWHWHYWHWYWHWYWYYWHWYHWWHWWYHWYWW
I JUST WANNA TRASH AROUND AND BREAK EVERYTHING AROUND ME
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
MY BODY IS TREMBLING I NEED TO RELEASE THE ENERGY
I WANNA PUNCH THE WALL BESIDES ME
FUCK I FEEL LIKE IM GOING FUCKING FERAL
MY LEGS ARE TRASHING AROUND
MW WHOLE BODY FEELS LIKE IT'S GOING TO FALL APART
PLEASE TELL ME THAT TAKING MY MEDS IS GONNA SOLVE THIS
I FEEL LIKE IM GONNA FAINT
I NEED A HUG
I NEED A REAL HUG
CANT LET THEM SEE ME CRYING
CANT WORRY THEM
GOD MY NOSE IS COMPLETELY BLOCKED
PAIN AND SUFFERING AND PAIN AND SUFFERING AND PAIN AND SUFFERING
MAKE IT STOP
PLEASE MAKE IT STOP
I PROMISSE ILL BE GOOD JUST MAKE IT STOP ALREADY
I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE
ITS TOO MUCH
BED BEHIND ME
DONT GO THERE
WANNA FLAIL AROUND
LIKE A FUCKING BEAST
LIKE A MADMAN
WHATS THE USE
I JUST WANNA THROW MYSELF OUTTA THE WINDOW
SCREAM AS LOUD AS I CAN
CRY AS HARD AS I CAN
BUT CANT DO THAT
THEYLL THINK IM MAD
THEYLL THINK IM CRAZY
WHEN IN FACT
IM JUST ALONE
I JUST WANT A HUG
I JUST WANT A MATE
I JUST WANT A FRIEND
MY MOM WANTS ME TO LOWER THE DOSAGE?
LOOK AT ME!
I CANT GET A HOLD OF MYSELF!
I NEED THE MEDS TO BE STABLE DAMMIT!
I NEED THEM
THEYRE MY ONLY FRIENDS NOW
THE ONLY THING THAT BRINGS ME COMFORT
ILL GO TAKE THEM BEFORE I DIE FROM SADNESS