Today i cried on my walk.
The forbidden word.
The one that triggers me hard.
The one i must never think about.
Or else, the need comes back with a vengeance.
Throbbing, splitting, skewering me with feelings.
But also, now, another word comes to join it.
Tired of being social.
Tired of my friends.
Wanting to be alone.
Yet at the same time, not.
I want to be alone, because then i can let my fantasies take me for a ride.
Yet i feel like i'm being an asshole to others.
Like i'm not being a good friend. I'm not present.
Don't worry, i cried enough today, i can hold these.
My therapist said i should be more selfish.
Do more things for myself, not for others.
So in a way, wanting that is being selfish.
A day just to myself.
Where i can play games and watch stuff and have fun.
The thing is, this social fatigue is not a new thing.
It seems that after some time, i just get tired of being social.
The thing is, even if i want to be social, my body kinda rejects it.
Sort of like when you want to walk but your legs are numb.
It's not a pleasant feeling.
Also i didn't write in my diary yesterday.
Which feels like i failed on a mission given to me.
Then again, somedays, i write multiple chapters on it.
So maybe it was kind of a vacation day from my writings.
I did a lot of stuff yesterday.
Met some polish furries, one which is going to make art of my fursona, so that's cool.
Also played StarMade with Zeth and one of the furries of the server.
It was a fun game, but it ended with Zeth just mesmerized, looking at something i couldn't see.
And apparently, only I couldn't see it. everyone else could.
Well, maybe i feel fatigued because i was very socially active yesterday.
I even played an online game with someone which is not something you'll se me doing often.
But the feeling of being tired.
Tired of my friends.
It feels like i'm betraying them.
I understand they also get tired of me and the others sometimes.
I don't know why, but i feel like i should be...superior in that regard?
Like i should be the friend everyone loves and relies on.
Like i should be always available on happy and sad moments of their lives.
What is this..."Hero" syndrome i have?
This feeling that i should be the protector, the kind soul, the saviour.
I know i'm none of those things, but i feel like i should be for others to love me.
Well here they are again...
I should ban these words from my dictionary.
Talking about them hurts.
Writing about them hurts.
Thinking about them hurts.
Because it reminds me of the need.
The searing, crushing need.
I know i should be patient.
Things won't fix themselves in a couple of weeks.
Sometimes they take years.
But i'll come through.
I'll win this fight.
I'll fill the need.
I'll be happy.
I just need to have a little patience.
I waited for 24 years. What's a few more, anyway.
I'm doing the walks, i'm writing this diary, i'm meeting new friends.
I even played online with zeth, which would be as close i'm getting to hanging out with him.
So yeah, today i'll have time for myself.
I'll be selfish for now.
I'll do things that i like.
The bed is behind me.
Begging me to lay and cry all my worries out.
Stay comfy and think of the little world inside my head.
But i know that giving in would mean i'm weak.
I'm giving myself to my Id.
Id is distressed today.
The need is visible on his tears.
So far my SuperEgo has been able to hold him.
Rationalize the pain, the suffering, and assure that it's alright to feel like that sometimes.
And that all that is going to be gone someday.
SuperEgo is hugging Id.
The tears fall.
I can't stop them.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
NO MORE PAIN.
NO MORE NEED.
NO MORE CRY.
I opened discord now.
I wasn't planning to talking to anybody, but something struck me.
Semen Demon said she was sad and nobody was online to lift her up.
I wanted to help her but she was offline.
So i sent her some messages directly to her:
So i saw you were sad because nobody was online to talk to you
If you want to we can talk anytime
I can't stand seeing people become sad because they're alone
So i don't want you to feel alone anymore
Whenever i'm online, i'm available to you
You can talk about anything to me
Even if you think i won't like it
It doesn't matter
just seeing people happy for my attention is enough
So don't think you're alone
You never are
I...care for her a lot.
I care for all my friends of course, but when it's a girl feeling lonely.
I...just have to help.
This feeling, that i must protect the lonely people.
This feeling that i should be a hero to everyone.
Sometimes, i think it may help me be empathic.
But other times, it just hurts.
Hurts seeing friends feeling lonely just as i do.
But all i can do is chat with them.
Well, if that's all i can do.
Then maybe that's what i should do.
It may not be much, but it's my best.
The egg thing feels good.
Like it's different from doing it raw and dry.
You have to actually hold back from cumming too soon.
If i knew it felt this good i would have bought one earlier.
I mean, i know it's not a real vagina.
But if it feels that good with a fake one.
Then oh boy.
I still don't know what to do with the lotion though.
I just put some drops of it inside the egg.
I mean if it doesn't help, at least it doesn't hinder.
Semen Demon just responded me.
It seems that she was very glad i thought of her.
She was in a hurry but said she would call when she reached home.
...why did i do this again?
I don't really know why, it just felt right.
Like she means more to me than other friends.
Maybe it's because she's a woman...
Now i know she has a boyfriend so no i won't mess with her relationship.
But...it still feels...good.
Recieving affection from a girl.
And a very enthusiastic one to boot.
Maybe i'm just one big womanizer?
I mean, i care for all my friends, but i often give special treatment to woman.
I won't say they're weak or fragile, but i always have a sense of protection when talking to one.
Specially if they're so happy to see i'm worried for them.
Maybe that's just man things? I can't really rationalize it.
Our primal instinct to protect females? Hmm...
You know what, maybe i'm overthinking.
She's a cool gal. I wanna be her special friend too, just like with atlas.
I'm a hopeless romantic, aren't i? Accepting platonic love just for a hint of attention from a woman.
I swear if i had a real girlfriend and she asked me to go on all fours and bark like a dog, i would.
For my girl, i would do anything.
Isn't that love? To sacrifice yourself for your loved one?
Maybe not. But i'm willing to believe that.
If anything, it would be the most noble cause to sacrifice yourself for.
I can talk about it without becomming an emotional wreck right now.
Maybe her reply really did help me. A little attention can go a long way.
Deinmalook is talking to me.
He seems very enthusiastic about furries.
Even more than me, although his interest is more clean, unlike mine.
He thought out a story for his fursona and everthing.
And he longs to be his fursona one day.
He says he's human only in body, not in mind.
I can sort of relate to it.
I already talked how i wanted to be a simple animal.
And, to be honest, i would love to be my fursona.
A Grey Wolf-Lizard-Goat-Bat-Demon thing i created with atlas.
Edgiest shit ever, but i love everything about him.
Cause it was a fun moment with atlas, and i just let my imagination take me for a ride.
Man, furries are weird.
Maybe that's why i love them so much.
I mean, i'm more in for the porn, but i understand why there's clean stuff about it.
And this guy is just so energetic and imaginative.
I'm so glad to have him as a friend.
But...i'm scared of the fatigue.
That i won't be able to tend to all of them.
That i'm gonna leave someone behind.
That i'm gonna regret it.
That i'll want to be alone again.
Because i couldn't be a good friend to everyone.
God, i'm holding my tears so hard i'm whimpering.
A whimpering lone wolf.
Searching for a pack.
Searching for his mate.
He will find it some day.
Earlier than he expects.
And when he does, he'll be filled with joy.
This wolf will not give up.
I won't give up.
Hope is still within me.
Friendship. Companionship. Love.
It will all be mine.
And i'll cherish every moment of it.
I will be happy.
Happier than i'll ever imagine.
Atlas's boyfriend broke up with her...
She's an emotional wreck right now...
I'm doing my best supporting her.
But it's strange...
All the things she's feeling...
...i felt when we broke up.
But nonetheless, i wouldn't wish those feelings upon anybody.
Still, i feel a bit...relieved?
I mean, she's sad and still likes him but.
But part of me is saying "She's available now."
Still, now's not the time for romance.
She needs a friend, and i'm that friend.
I'll make her feel better.
Even if just by staying with her.
She says she wants him back.
I say go for it, tell him your love.
But she refuses.
She's not his friend anymore.
The same thing happened between us and we're still friends.
Special friends even.
She says she's too sad to explain.
I don't need explanations.
All i need is her.
All i need is to be with her.
Support her on her darkest moments.
Cause i care.
I care a lot.
Way more than anybody else.
She's out to take a bath now.
She seemed happier.
She's probably still sad.
But she'll get better.