To Him

megancarolsprinCommunity member
Autoplay OFF  •  a year ago
I hope this helps those of you as much as writing this has helped me.

To Him


What's a child supposed to think?

I had always thought the way I was feeling was normal. I had always believed that every child goes through what I went through. I convinced myself it wasn't wrong; discipline is discipline.

It wasn't just me.

My brother and sister used to hide in the closet from you. No one could stand up to you not even mom but back then nobody dared to.

Age brought truth

Spending time with other people I began to notice their home lives were much different than mine and I wondered why... I had never been in a quiet loving environment because that's just not us.

what it's done to me as time went on is the scariest part

It's realizing that it IS fucked up. Being startled easily, getting unreasonably angry at minor circumstances, and self harm - they stemmed from something more than just me.

What is love if not pain?

Because I had always thought you got carried away with your emotions because you loved us so much. But how can you put the ones you love in harm's way?

I didn't blame you ever. I blamed myself.

I know I threw that dish too hard so I deserved that bruise. I left my straightener on all day by accident once, I gave an attitude and you almost gouged my eyes out with your thumbs. I was sorry

Blood is thicker than water right?

But my blood never seemed to bring us any closer. You never told me you were sorry after any of it happened, it took you years. But it didn't matter I was happy to finally get even one apology.

It should have ended there

I wish that had been where I stopped typing. I wish that with that apology things would change and you would see your family before you see the ones that want you against me.

All I've wanted

All I've needed was just a parent. I don't need money; I need your validation and your respect. It's all I have ever craved despite everything. All I ever wanted was for you to accept me for me.

You can't do that.

It might not even be just you. It might be the voices you have around you telling you that me and my siblings are not good enough for you. We will never measure up to her kids, so realize that.

That's fine.

Despite everything, I still love you. I will always love you, because even though you have possibly affected every single relationship I will ever have for the rest of my life, I can't let you go

I would give myself back to you any day.

I have the option to never be hurt by you again, but I can't take it. Because despite yourself, I will always love you. You have ruined me beyond repair but if you ever needed me I would be there

I can only hope I don't repeat your mistakes.

I can see your words fall from my mouth and your anger let loose from my fists and it terrifies me to think history could repeat itself on me and my children. But I will not let that happen.

I have a choice in this

With everything I have went through, regardless of how it has affected me without my control I can still choose what to make of my pain. I can choose to come out stronger and better than ever.

I choose to give love

Whenever I feel the hatred threatening to seep from my lips I make the choice to say something kind with the air in my lungs. I will not sink with the negativity, I will mold it.

To all others who have suffered any kind of abuse as a child

Your feelings are valid and you are an important key in your own life. You have the choice to make something beautiful out of ugliness. The choice to spread acceptance. You are not your trauma.

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a year agoReply
@bernardtwindwil I am no published poet but your words of encouragement have not fallen on deaf ears :) I appreciate your kind thoughts.

a year agoReply
@Heavny12 I hope so as well x

Heavny12The world is no wish granting factor.
a year agoReply
Amazing story! i truly hope it helps those who have similar experience to this.

a year agoReply
Beautifully written and powerful. One of the best pieces I have come across.

bernardtwindwilGold CommaGranddad & story teller,
a year agoReply
You perfected an ability to generate both emotion and rational understanding. This is one of the most powerful and ethos evoking stories I have ever read. You have presented your case with sound logic. There was no game playing histrionics. There was not vengeance. You merely stated the facts in such a way as to make a valid and believable presentation. You left me dumbfounded by this incredibly sophisticated presentation.

adritadroyBronze CommaI am a lover of language, are you?
a year agoReply
"You are your trauma" Wow! I will never forget this!!! I have seen someone very close to me break down and fall apart because of this. I have heard these same words being repeated over the past nine years. You can't believe how overwhelmed I am to read this. Thank you for your words. I will pass it on and hope your words heal him..

a year agoReply
@jack @jeremiah Thank you your support means a lot :,)

a year agoReply
@draco Thank you, though my personal experiences are unique I know many have gone through similar. I can only hope that it could help somebody find their voice.

a year agoReply
you are an aamzing person and i know this will touch somebody who needs it

jackI definitely want to know how it works.
a year agoReply
You are amazing :)