What's a child supposed to think?
I had always thought the way I was feeling was normal. I had always believed that every child goes through what I went through. I convinced myself it wasn't wrong; discipline is discipline.
It wasn't just me.
My brother and sister used to hide in the closet from you. No one could stand up to you not even mom but back then nobody dared to.
Age brought truth
Spending time with other people I began to notice their home lives were much different than mine and I wondered why... I had never been in a quiet loving environment because that's just not us.
what it's done to me as time went on is the scariest part
It's realizing that it IS fucked up. Being startled easily, getting unreasonably angry at minor circumstances, and self harm - they stemmed from something more than just me.
What is love if not pain?
Because I had always thought you got carried away with your emotions because you loved us so much. But how can you put the ones you love in harm's way?
I didn't blame you ever. I blamed myself.
I know I threw that dish too hard so I deserved that bruise. I left my straightener on all day by accident once, I gave an attitude and you almost gouged my eyes out with your thumbs. I was sorry
Blood is thicker than water right?
But my blood never seemed to bring us any closer. You never told me you were sorry after any of it happened, it took you years. But it didn't matter I was happy to finally get even one apology.
It should have ended there
I wish that had been where I stopped typing. I wish that with that apology things would change and you would see your family before you see the ones that want you against me.
All I've wanted
All I've needed was just a parent. I don't need money; I need your validation and your respect. It's all I have ever craved despite everything. All I ever wanted was for you to accept me for me.
You can't do that.
It might not even be just you. It might be the voices you have around you telling you that me and my siblings are not good enough for you. We will never measure up to her kids, so realize that.
Despite everything, I still love you. I will always love you, because even though you have possibly affected every single relationship I will ever have for the rest of my life, I can't let you go
I would give myself back to you any day.
I have the option to never be hurt by you again, but I can't take it. Because despite yourself, I will always love you. You have ruined me beyond repair but if you ever needed me I would be there
I can only hope I don't repeat your mistakes.
I can see your words fall from my mouth and your anger let loose from my fists and it terrifies me to think history could repeat itself on me and my children. But I will not let that happen.
I have a choice in this
With everything I have went through, regardless of how it has affected me without my control I can still choose what to make of my pain. I can choose to come out stronger and better than ever.
I choose to give love
Whenever I feel the hatred threatening to seep from my lips I make the choice to say something kind with the air in my lungs. I will not sink with the negativity, I will mold it.
To all others who have suffered any kind of abuse as a child
Your feelings are valid and you are an important key in your own life. You have the choice to make something beautiful out of ugliness. The choice to spread acceptance. You are not your trauma.