It's been days i had a good night sleep, a proper meal. Somethings wrong with my system. Nothing's normal or everything's normal but seems strange to me. I am frustrated. Too many regrets.
But those were my decisions. I gotta live up to it. Maybe that's why i am still alive.
I walk down the streets and hope some hijackers will stand in front me,'give up everything you have'.
I will just be like, 'what will you do dickheads?' They will all get surprised and take out their knives sometimes guns.
Probably I will get afraid or probably shout out in excitement, okay shoot me in the head. Don't hesitate. It's okay. Just point and shoot. You can take everything from me after that.
They never shoot. People who are not scared scares the shit outta them.
I don't get panic attacks. My frustration doesn't come to me like a shock. They build up in me gradually and i process them and they build up again. I hardly do anything about them.
I know i can't control it. I know they will be back again. What am i supposed to do! Fight and lose and keep fighting? what's the point of that!
I am a failure. I couldn't even kill myself after so many attempt. Maybe i should get help. Not a psychiatrist but an assassin. Put a bounty on my head.
But i don't have money and i don't know any agent47. I could just run off to the Highway at night. Suddenly in front of a high speed bus.
Baam! what if i don't die! I live without any legs and hands but i live. Maybe i should just choose the train, no chance of living. But people will feel gross instead of feeling sad.
It's too messy. My brain will be all over the track with all the people's shit.
What if all of that is my excuse to live? that would be scary. I know that i don't want to live. What if i don't even know about that too. What if i die and i could feel.
What if i die and live with regrets in ghosts realm. Wouldn't that be a pity!
what if i die but i live!
what if all the regrets and shame,
Won't be gone and stay all the same.
It was painful to live,
if it's painful to die, knows who!
what if it's painful to be dead too.
Last night i didn't sleep a bit. I was watching The sopranos the whole night. It's not my first time. Tony(Lead) is my guy. He knows me. He says shit i feel and he does shit i wanna do.
I was feeling like him but just a bit unbalanced. Lack of sleeping i guess. Couldn't see straight but i gotta do something. I would never know if i don't try. I tried to do some fun stuff.
It's a farewell gift. I didn't like it. I get out of my bed and walk straight to the river. It should be easy. Even if try to live even if i shout, no will be here to save me.