You wish you were dead, because there is no other way for it to stop. When everything hurts too much, when you feel trapped in a prison of desperation, death seems to be the only solution.
Is it? Living is claustrophobic and death smells like freedom; but you're a coward and you never learned how to deal with pain, so you stay there, immobile and apathetic.
Ah, apathy is a good friend. Nothing's better than your soul resting like it's already dead. Expect it's not.
So when apathy goes away, pain comes back and you feel overwhelmed and choke on your breath. You've already gave up, but not enough. Death, death, death.
The truth is that's not what you want, but is there something you actually want? You want to rest. Peace, calm. Existing is too much for you and you can't do it. Make it stop.
Please, make it stop. It won't. There is no solution. One: death.