Chapter 1: You Give Birth to Kevin Jonas
Your day was going great, until you heard the sweet smooth voice of former internet sensation Kevin Jonas emanating from your vagina.
“Hey there, Sugar momma,” he whispered seductively.
In that moment, you somehow knew that you were pregnant. This brought up many questions in your mind. You are a virgin. You have not shown any signs of said pregnancy.
And most importantly, the grace of such a being as Kevin Jonas already exists on this earthly sphere.
At first you thought you were imaging this voice, because it is impossible to be pregnant with a full grown man, let alone a celebrity.
However, when your coworker asked where the voice was coming from, you knew it was real.
Kevin Jonas gently mumbled. “I am real. You are giving birth to me. This is not a dream.”
That‘s when you knew he could read your thoughts. You decide to go to the bathroom to have some “alone time” with Kevin Jonas. You start to have a panic attack.
You don’t know what’s wrong with you.
Kevin Jonas sweetly murmurs. “Don’t worry. I’ll explain everything to you.”
“Why?” you ask, your voice quivering in fear. “Why are you in my vagina?”
He responds gently, “I have chosen you. You will become my second birth mother on this earthly plane. My brothers and I are, in truth, eternal godly beings, who must reincarnate continuously.
Normally, we just pop back into existence, but not this time. No, this time is different. We chose you.”
Confusion crosses your face. “So, every time you die, you’re reincarnated?”
Kevin Jonas replies sensually. “Oh. No. We never die. We simply start over, with all past memories.”
“Oh,“ you sigh.
He simply chuckles. “Now would be a good time to head to the hospital.”
You are struck with a sense of immediate panic. “Oh god you’re right.”
“I know I am.”
You finally get a hospital bed after conversing (and arguing) with the staff for about an hour. You can tell it’s almost time. You sweat nervously at the thought of giving birth.
You heard giving birth to a child is excruciatingly painful, and they’re the size of a small melon.
You wonder the level of pain that comes with a man that is about a foot taller than you and has the figure of a god. You start to cry.
“Don’t worry,” Kevin Jonas whispers voluptuously. “It’ll be all over soon. You just need to push.”
You mentally prepare yourself to push this godly being out of your vagina.
“It’s time.” He whispers, gravely. This is the most seriously you have ever heard Kevin Jonas verbalize.
You start to push. There’s a light wriggling feeling in your nether region. You feel the warm, wet, substance caress the bottom of your butt cheeks. Suddenly, the feeling stops.
There he is. Former internet sensation Kevin Jonas, standing at the foot of your bed looking exactly the same as he had when he had been in the smash hit Disney movie “Camp Rock”.
Strangely, he is fully clothed. You can feel tears form in your eyes. No matter how much you didn’t want to believe it, he was your son.
“Mom,” he whispers, his voice trailing off.
The doctor cut in before Kevin Jonas could finish his thought. “We must check the sex of the child. May I?”
The doctor reaches to Kevin Jonas’ crotch. He opened the top of his pants and looked in.
“I don’t believe it,” he said. “There are only testicles.”
Kevin Jonas smiled. “Oh, don’t worry. It’ll be here soon.”
The doctor was confused.
You felt a sharp, shooting pain move towards your vagina. You let out a squeal of discomfort. “Something is coming out of me!” you scream.
Kevin Jonas looked at the doctor. “What did I tell you?”
“Just push!” the doctor prompted.
You pushed and pushed with all your might. The pain. Oh god, the pain. You must be bleeding at this point. Your vision has gone hazy, and you feel weak. Is this the end? No, it can’t be.
You are the chosen one. Unless that was a ploy, and you were simply here to bring Kevin Jonas into the world, not his brothers.
Kevin Jonas whispered fleshly into your soul. “This is not the end. ‘Tis merely the beginning.”
You push some more, until you feel a pop. It’s done. It’s over. You can breathe.
The doctor picked up a slimy sack of god-knows-what, soaked in amniotic fluid.
“Oh god, what is that?” You ask Kevin Jonas.