Parody of "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast
Created by Lynx Original song and lyrics goes to Richard White or in this version, Josh Gad. I personally recommend Jonathan Young's metal cover of this song. Disclaimer: I'm not a professional parody song writer but enjoy this anyway.
The First Order rarely had time to sit back and enjoy a pint but today was special. It was the completion of Starkiller base and everyone was celebrating its opening. Everyone except one.
"Sir." Lieutenant Mitaka caught General Hux's attention who had been downing a swig of Corellian Wine. "What is it?" Hux questioned, following the Lieutenant's look to Kylo Ren who had made his entrance.
"You should probably cheer him up." Mitaka suggested, raising his glass as good luck while Hux let out an annoyed sigh. "Very well." The General replied, putting down his glass to join Ren at his table.
"Leave me." The Knight muttered, ignoring Hux's presence. Hux glanced back at his own table, seeing nothing but hand gestures for him to continue. With another sigh, the song started.
"Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Kylo. Looking so down in the dumps." Ren looks at Hux with one raised eyebrow. "Ev'ry guy cept me would love to be you, Kylo. Even when taking your lumps."
"There's no man in the base as admired as you. You're ev'ryone's favorite Knight. Ev'ryone's awed and inspired by you. And it's not very hard to see why~." "They put you up to this, didn't they?" Ren asked, glaring at the other officers who were chuckling.
"No one's slick as Kylo. No one's quick as Kylo. No one's force as incredibly strong as Kylo's. For there's no man in the base half as manly." Hux motions to the female officers. "Perfect, a pure paragon!" Ren blinks before looking at Hux again.
"You can ask any droid, trooper or officer... And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on!" The other officers join in, "Who plays Sabacc like Kylo? Who breaks hearts like Kylo? Who's much more than the sum of his parts like Kylo?"
When Hux winked at him, he finally gave in and sang, "As a First Knight, yes, I'm intimidating!" "My what a Knight, that Kylo!" "I needed encouragement." Ren said before slinging an arm around Hux, "Thank you, General."
"Well, there's no one as easy to bolster as you!" Hux grinned when Ren slowly pulled back his arm. "Just right?" With a sigh, Ren muttered, "...Yep." "No one fights like Kylo! Douses lights like Kylo!"
"In a wrestling match nobody bites like Kylo!" Hux continues so Ren did the same. "When I hunt, I charge up with my saber. And soldiers of the Resistance say a prayer. First, I slice off the head of their leader. Then I slaughter them all."
"Did you really?" Hux questioned with curiosity in his voice. "Indeed, I did." Ren replied with a grin. "No one hits like Kylo. Matches wits like Kylo."
"In a spitting match nobody spits like Kylo." Hux said, motioning for a cup. "I'm especially good at meditating." Kylo says before aiming for the cup and spits, managing to land it in. "Ten points for Kylo!" Everyone shouts while Hux gave the cup to someone else with a disgusted look.
"When I was a lad I trained five hours a day. Ev'ry year to help me get strong." Ren uses the force to pick up a chair. "And now that I'm grown I train ten hours a day. So I'm roughly the size of a Rancor!" By the end of his verse, every table and chair was floating in the sky before they were unceremoniously dropped to the ground.
"Who has brains like Kylo? Entertains like Kylo?" "Who can make up these endless refrains like Kylo?" Ren asked rhetorically before gesturing to his surroundings, "I use lightsabers in all of my decorating!"
"Say it again. Who's a Knight among men? Who's the super success? Don't you know? Can't you guess? Ask his fans and his five hangers-on. There's just one Knight in the base who's got all of it down..." Everyone then looked at Hux who stood on a table.
"And his name's K-Y-L-O-R-E-N I don’t know why I’m doing this for him, but I don’t want him to slaughter all our troopers and officers…!" "Kylo!" The music then stopped and everyone cheered after such an entertaining show.
Hux let out a chuckle before looking at Ren, "I still hate you." Ren smirked before giving a shrug, "I know."