I didn’t feel it, I heard it, but I didn’t feel it. My ears were ringing, my mind went blank. Clouds filled my head, I was unable to form a thought.
And I didn't want to, I didn't want to think because I would think about it and it would start to hurt and I wasn't ready for that. I thanked them and said goodbye.
On my way out, I couldn’t take anything in, I functioned but my conciseness didn't.
I don't have any memories of the way home, it just washed by and I only realized I was already home when I opened the front door.
I came back to myself and with that the thought of it came back as well, it hammered through my mind.
Shaking my head, I walked inside and threw my jacket roughly in the direction of the wardrobe.
Slipping out of my shoes I didn't take the time to greet my roommates which greeted me on my way through the flat. I didn't say anything, but I could feel their eyes following me.
I looked on the floor, I didn't want to see their faces, I would see that they knew what happened and I still wasn't ready to acknowledge it to be reality.
When I finally ended up in my room, and closed the door behind me, the shock began to ease away. The pain started to spread, and my knees grew weaker.
I totter to my bed and without changing I glide underneath the thick blanket. Pulling it up to my nose I closed my eyes, that was the best preparation I could manage.
Taking a deep breath, I let myself feel the pain, the vacuum that had consumed me before, that kept me working, filled up with pain.
Slowly the tears start to collect in my eyes, I wasn't thinking, I was just experiencing the pain I suppressed until then. And delicately with the first tear fleeing my eyes, I started sobbing.
My chest grew tighter and I pulled the blanket closer, pressing it against myself. It felt like a new hole created itself inside me and I tried to fill it with the blanket, or anything really.
I just wanted the pain of that new hole to stop, the thought didn't hammer in my head anymore. It was just present, and it was there to stay, I was unable to remove it.
I cried, and my chest didn't feel relieved, the feel of relieve that normally followed crying didn't come. The pain was still there, and it wasn't going anywhere.
It still hurts, I still cry sometimes. My roommates said it would get easier with time, but nothing has changed so far, and I still catch myself becoming automatic.
Not being consciously in the moment, just to be hit by the pain again when I snap out of it.
I wished time would go by faster, with this new hole in my chest it felt as if every second overstayed their welcome and hang around for a few more moments. It still hurts, and I want it to stop.