If I could change my story, many would assume I would change worlds. I wouldn't.
I wouldn't change the things that broke my heart. I wouldn't change the things that made me into the person you would eventually fall for.
I wouldn't change the way they treated me, I wouldn't change the way the emptiness started spreading through my body. Slowly like poison that makes you forget who you are or who you were.
It made the version of you, the you you wanted to be, seem so incredible far away. But still I wouldn't change it because it led me to you.
You would find me and call me all those things I haven't called myself in forever. "Beautiful", "charming", "worthy" and "Lovable" instead of "fat", "dumb", "awkward" and "worthless".
For just a moment it all seemed true, I could believe you, I could feel all those things. But not for long until the emptiness came back and devoured all of these feelings.
And you didn't understand, you didn't understand why I felt that way after you told me I wasn't worthless. So you kept on telling me I was worth it, worth the fight. Worth of all the extra work.
Worth of all extra attention. I loved you so much for everything you did. For once in my life I felt like someone actually cared but then you got tired.
You got tired of having to tell me that I was worthy. You got tired of having to put up a fight. You were sick of seeing me sick.
You couldn't stand me staying in bed all day so you told me to stand up and "suck it up". You told me I wouldn't fight enough, wouldn't try hard enough.
You didn't understand that I did all I could. I fought harder than I did ever before. For you. But you didn't see that. You only saw that I didn't get better even though I did. I did get better.
Slowly I got better but you didn't see that. And I hated myself so much for making so slow progress.
You deserved better. You deserved better than me. I was unworthy of you. I was unworthy of your love. I didn't deserve it. I don't deserve you.
And even now I miss you, after you left. After you told me you weren't as strong as you thought.
After you said you had to leave because I made you feel tired and exhausted. After you told me that you were sorry but you couldn't stay. And that's wrong.
I shouldn't miss you. I shouldn't put you on a pedestal. You weren't a god, you weren't the cure. You aren't my cure. I have to be my own cure. I have to save myself.
The fact that I wouldn't change my story just to meet you is wrong. And I see that now. I understand it. I just need to feel it too, so I really hope I won't be able to change my story.
Because I survived, with or without you.