You were never here
You were never here
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loljustsel
loljustselSaturn and Jupiter were married.
Autoplay OFF  •  6 months ago
"You were never a hero to me, you were just an asshole. But truly, I still fucking care about you."

About the end of my 5-years long friendship, and the realization that I was just delusional, because I was afraid of the ugly truth.

You were never here

You were never here when I needed you, or when I wanted to tell you about that extraordinary thing that happened to me.

You were never here when I needed someone to talk to, or when I needed the slightest bit of attention from you. You never really cared about details.

You were never here when I was crying alone at night. When I was cutting through layers of my skin. Where were you? It was probably my fault. I would never tell you when something was wrong.

I would always assume you would see it, just like I always saw when you weren’t fine. Just like I took every single one of your calls when he messed up.

Just like I listened to you, while you kept talking, and I was crying. You never needed me, you needed someone. Someone, desperate. Someone who needed to feel validated.

Someone who wouldn’t annoy you for the silly problems and unwanted emotions. Someone with who you would feel ultimately superior. Someone who would believe that, you were ultimately superior.

Someone who you knew would never ‘leave’ you. Because truthfully, I was the one who needed you. That self-delusion that there was someone who cared about me which made me think, I was important.

I felt like I wasn’t worthy without you. Then one day you really left. It took me time to try to live when you weren’t here, when you were constantly haunting my life.

Sometimes I would see you laugh with the same person you used to insult, sometimes I would see you be the center of attention. You craved attention, didn’t you? Everyone loved you. Loves you.

Nobody really knew who you were. I could see through it all, the fake smiles, the strange stares, the hypocrite conversations.

I was only your shadow after all, wasn’t I?

Yes, I hold a big grudge against you, for being happier without me, for being happier than me, for leaving me alone, with people who only talked to me because they pitied me.

For watching me cry, and running to the safest place I could find, and laughing right in my face. It hurts, because I am weak. It hurts because I didn’t have anybody besides you.

It hurts because you were still that huge part of my life, and you still are. Whenever I see you, I try to not care. I try to not look in your direction. I try to mind my own business.

I try to be distracted. But I can’t, because you laugh whenever the slightest thing happens. I used to laugh when you did, only because I found it amusing. Now it pollutes my air.

It gives me headaches that won’t go away. I won’t lie when I say that it hurts seeing you on cloud nine. But I bet you have your side of the story too.

And I’m probably the toxic person in yours. I’m probably the person who gave you a messed-up life. The person who didn’t realize your worth. The person who made you feel worthless too. I bet I am the one who caused us two to break.

You were never a hero to me, you were just an asshole. But truly, I still fucking care about you.

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