I guess if you asked me if I was okay, I would hide it with a smile. I was always told: "You have a beautiful smile," I've always felt the need to laugh.
I've always felt the need to put on a mask, to suppress what I feel inside. I will always say that I do not have any problems, that I am perfectly fine and happy.
That, I am alive, and breathing. Heart still beating. All my five senses working. All organs and bones in my body, functional. Perhaps my brain is a bit too functional for its own good.
Sometimes I wished I could just make it stop, the thoughts, the unending thoughts, the bad thoughts, the good ones. Anything, just to stop me from feeling, and thinking.
The hardest part when you live in your mind is that you do not know when to get out. You spend hours, days, making up theories about possible events, occasions and the what ifs.
And when you do, it's as if time stands still. You get so lost in those improbable events, that you forget about yourself.
And when you do think about your life, outside this made up world, you start realizing how desperate you are. You look at the people around you, and they are living. Not breathing. But 'living.
' And you begin to think what is wrong with you. Not only because you live too much in your head, but also because you seem so different. When you clearly aren't.
And those 'occasions' you keep dreaming about, are the you's you wish you could be, the you's that everyone would love, that everyone would respect and cherish.
But you are only perfect in your mind. You see everybody around you having someone who cherishes, and understands them.
Then suddenly you begin to think, Are you that unlovable? Is loneliness the thing that keeps ruining you? Or is it the fact that you are trying to make the best out of what you already have?
Or is the best that you already have the worst that you get? I wish I could promise myself to get that fake reality out of my head, but how can we live without hope?
How can I hope to live, when the only thing that is keeping alive is the thing that is destroying me?