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lilysavannah01
lilysavannah01Community member
Autoplay OFF  •  a year ago
i used to believe that if you loved someone enough you would not loose them as if i love you were some magic words tethering you too them

mom

i used to believe that if you loved someone enough you would not loose them

as if i love you were some magic words tethering you too them

i used to be naive

my mother died when I was six years old

and tonight when im scrolling through my phone ill text her i love you

im desperately hoping that that text reaches the woman my mother has become in my heart

i will receive an i love you in return

and i will grasp onto the bit of my mother that i will always have.

anger is one of the five stages of grief

and although ive flirted with the others none have filled me in the way that anger has

it reaches inside me and goes right towards that empty space that lives in my heart

i know my mother has this same well inside of her and i used to believe that if i loved her enough to fill that well she would not need the chemicals to make her feel

and sometimes i still burn with the thought that i was not enough,

that all of the love within me was not enough to save my mother.

i get mad at her sometimes

because she was not and has not been all that i needed

she hasnt been all that she needed

and when i lay down at night my head is filled with worries for a woman who sometimes feels as if she is a stranger

when she hugs me i feel at home and i feel warm

but when i look at her from a distance i don't know who she is

and i know that my mother will always hold a place in my heart

and that that place will always be heavy

and a part of me will always mourn a woman who im afraid may not have even existed outside of my memories

but shes still my mother

and even if its not perfect she still loves me

and i will always love her

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