february seasonal-affective-disorder stories

lexi trains of thought | killedink.tumblr.com
Autoplay OFF   •   3 years ago
and thats about as personal as it gets, folks


by lexi

what it’s like to live with seasonal depression

right before your peak month

at 7am last morning my body broke into sobs

because i could taste the toothpaste on the roof of my mouth

and knew in a month i won’t be able to anymore

what it’s like to live with four bodies

one for each season

i am a blind woman given sight each year

in echoing rays of sunshine and beaming laughs

in the ability to breathe and speak and eat

as if my limbs move without protest and my poems —

they exist only etched into the redwoods

as if every life movement contains purpose.

what it’s like to believe

you can extend your lifeline from june

so i tell myself: every year you get better

but a diary entry from last march reads

“i am being held captive in eternal february”

fourteen times consecutively

and god only knows what i wrote on the torn-out pages

i burnt into ashes out of shame

what it’s like to count 28 days

while you swallow paper cuts

what it's like to tell your mother

you need therapy again every year

what it’s like to lose your body

to a page in the calendar.

what it's like:

we eat and we sleep and we try to breathe

we write and we speak and (we really do try)

and it will swallow me whole anyways

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