I want to tell you a story about a girl I know. I've known her my whole life and yet it is still difficult for me to understand the ways she thinks, and why she acts the way she does.
I've seen her go through the most horrible and depressing times in her life, and as well as her best. I know the strength she holds deep down in her bones, but her heart keeps failing her.
Lately I watch as her night side table lamp flickers on at sometimes 2 or 4 am. As she slowly stands up in her underwear and puts on nothing but a hoodie.
She says hoodies are her favourite clothes because they always feel like a big blanket giving her a hug.
She then pulls out a fake book where a pack of cigarettes (she once quit but needs at times like these) and a lighter lives hidden. She then carefully pockets them and leaves the room.
You see she lives alone, yet leaves as if she's scared of waking someone up. She then goes out to the back porch where she then sits down on the stairs as the light flickers on.
Here she has a view of a vast field that ends at her neighbors house.
She's scared that they will see her as the motion light flickers and stays on, but after a few moments she suddenly wishes that maybe someone would see the true her.
Burdened by her good girl reputation, branded into her skin by her family, church, and community at birth,
after the witching hour is over and the night quietly continues on, she is free to be herself. She wipes away one tear, and absentmindedly lights her cigarette.
Inhales a deep breath then watches as the smoke mixes with the night sky, as if it is a natural fog swirling around the moon.
She was always entranced by that beautiful, strong moon, and loved how even in the darkest of nights it was there with her.
She felt that it was there to listen to her, to comfort her in her times of need, because whenever she felt overwhelmed, she could still trust that glowing orb to be with her.
By this time she blended in with the scenery and was on her second cigarette. The porch light flicks off and she knows that as long as she stays still, she too can vanish in the night.
I watch as she flicks the ashes off and closes her eyes, listening to the nearby highway, to the large trucks hurriedly driving off to meet deadlines.
She listens to the peep frogs and all the crickets that finally feel safe to sing in the night. She softly begins to hum, no specific song really, just a soft pretty yet sad tune.
Just like the frogs and the crickets she feels safe to finally sing under the moonlight.
I never knew exactly what she thinks during these times, and I reckon that she doesn't even know what she's feeling either.
Her pale, bare legs occasionally being bitten by a mosquito, she swats it away but doesn't seem to really mind much. Perhaps she needs that tiny pinch as it is a reminder that she is still here, and not dreaming.
I wonder if she likes the night so much because everyone who would judge is asleep, or if it is because in that vast dark sky those tiny stars still shine.
Sometimes she mumbles quotes, or whispers dreams and wishes to the always listening moon. Some nights she says nothing at all and quietly sobs to herself.
I think that the nights she doesn't cry is the scariest. In her eyes I see an almost acceptance for the way things are in her life, as if she has given up trying to change things.
At those times I wish I could hold her tightly and tell her that she is in control, that she doesn't have to give in.
I often am afraid that when daylight comes she too will fade away with the Stars. To me, she is the most beautiful in this state.
Her long curled and tangled hair flutters down around her shoulders, her bare legs almost glow, and her eyes shine so brightly.
I wish everyone could see her beauty but I know that, that is what she fears most. She is terrified people will see her as she really is, delicate, honest, sad, broken but staying strong.
So all I can do is watch as she finishes her last cigarette, throws it out to the world swearing it's her last, and See her freeze as that damn porch light comes back on.
It pulls her back to the reality that she does not belong there with the night scenery. She then slowly stands up, gathers herself and goes back inside.
With the click of the door locking, she too locks away everything she is and goes back to acting like nothing will ever get to her. It will be morning soon, and with her being the main actor, the show must go on.
Unfortunately one day she will have to take that bow, and when that time comes she will no longer be able to act.
I hope that when that day comes I can finally face the truth that, that girl is me and that I can no longer pretend she isn't.
It is so easy to watch everything happening in your life and almost dissconect with the world. These nights where I pull out my dirty habit of smoking, and crawl out to my back porch, I finally feel a sort of peace. With each exhale of smoke, I am forced to control my breathing and can finally calm down when I couldn't before.
I know that I must face myself one day, these bad habits and long lonely nights cannot continue on, but compared to my past I am so much better. I know I still have a long road of recovery and self acceptance to walk down, please just know that this takes time.
One day I hope that, that special someone will see me under that hauntingly beautiful night sky. Maybe for a second they will hold their breath and think how I shine like a star. Hopefully they will accept me for me, and make me believe that I no longer need that moon for comfort.
I hope that when that time comes, we can hold hands and bow on that stage ۰۪۫T۪۫۰۰۪۫o۪۫۰۰۪۫g۪۫۰۰۪۫e۪۫۰۰۪۫t۪۫۰۰۪۫h۪۫۰۰۪۫e۪۫۰۰۪۫r۪۫۰