I'm sorry to come crawling back here after what seems like forever to just post another chat like this, but I need the writing therapy. Please bear with me.
I as many probably have, I have had a crappy 2020.
I feel terrible for complaining as so many have died from the pandemic but my problems though they may be small in the grand scheme of things, they effect me every day and I think everyone's problems no matter how big or small matter. (So please don't be upset with me <3)
Corona changed almost nothing for me. I am not bragging, I have been isolated from the world long before corona hit.
I guess you could say I saw everyone online complaining with this new feeling of isolation and I came to realise with how unfazed I was, I have a problem.
Of course I leave my home for food and work but I work with family and have no friends anymore. Work go home, crawl in bed with a snack never a meal, read then sleep. That's my routine.
I hide from the world in my home.
I made an effort the other day to go back to a place I used to go (where I live it is safe now to go places), and i immediately felt like I couldn't breathe, started shaking and had to leave to feel calm again.
My home is a nightmare, not the once cheery place I always loved with beautiful plants and a cute kitchen. I physically couldn't bring myself to do my dishes or water my poor plants.
My mom told me she thinks my "introverted personality and isolated way of living" is a part of depression. I got angry and left.
I rarely get angry at her, it hurt cause it was a truth I didn't want to face. Now I have finally come to accept it, it's back.
Or maybe it never left? Depression has snuck up on me again and its suffocating. My brother always goes on how the home reflects the mood and tells a lot about a persons mental state.
He's absolutely right. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve.
My house makes me feel ashamed, and I thought maybe if I can finally get out of bed and clean even a little, I will feel better and more accomplished. Plus I wanted to at least have a christmas in a cleaner house.
So guess what, I watched a ton of horder videos as motivation and I did it. Little by little. I focused on small sections and made my way to others after one was done.
Its sounds silly that a clean dinning room table that doesn't have clutter, can make you feel so good.
When I wanted a little break I would go and water those plants I love so much but have neglected like I neglected myself.
I am actually looking forward to continuing and decorating finally (although quite late) for christmas. I haven't been myself, and my house hasn't been the way i always loved.
That changes today! I will try my best to take better care of my house, but most importantly myself.
I have a kitty and many fish and lovely plants that depend on me, and a family that loves and worries for me. (My cat and fish are the only things I have the energy to take care of and play with.) 2021 is on its way, and I will face the year saying I'm doing great.
If nothing else can motivate me, I at least owe it to my pets to tale care of myself better so I can be better for them! (If you read all this I am sorry, this is just me using writing as therapy and motivation. Hope you have a wonderful holiday) <3