What drug me out of my depression episode when I barely left my bed for 3 months? I finally had a goal.
It was a small goal, but it was something to work for, something to achieve, to be proud of. __________________________________ The beginning:
Ok, so I think I should start at the beginning with how my depression and anxiety began.
I was a high school student who had to leave school every single day due to horrible sickness accompanied by the feeling of literally being stabbed in my stomach (I have never felt a pain worse in my life than the pain I get).
I would hide in the washroom crying and call my mother to come get me. I was diagnosed with IBS, an illness where your anxiety literally makes you sick (I'll spare some details here).
Every day I was in so much pain that I could hardly walk and I was filled with the intense fear that I was going to get sick again, which of course made me sick because I was worried about it. A vicious cycle.
At the time I just thought that my anxiety came from worrying about school work but then all these new fears set in which brought a new uninvited friend to the party, depression.
I was always a bigger girl muscle wise, and never thought that was bad until I was the girl who needed the bigger jersey in sports.
I was also the rough gal that noone wanted to practice with because well, I didn't realise my own strength?
I began to grow conscious of my body, thinking my muscle weight was fat weight. I was in grade 9 when it all began. The body dismorphia. I saw a obese girl when I was a healthy and fit looking, skinny teen.
I started dieting, always disgusted with my body (Looking back now It's crazy to me because I was so tiny then but an eating disorder does not discriminate when it comes to body types or gender).
The more I tried to change myself, the more I hated myself, the more I hated myself, the more I hurt myself (mentally and sadly physically too, although I have never told anyone until now. I feel like I am strong g enough now to admit this.)
This vicious cycle stuck with me all through high school getting worse and worse, and after starving for short periods at a time my body began to hold onto most foods I ate.
It was scared it would be starved again so It held onto every bite I ate.
I graduated high school heavier than I had ever been (my prom dress too tight to even sit down in) but then somethingeven more horrible happened to me... C̾o̾l̾l̾e̾g̾e̾.
In college I was living alone for the first time in my life, at the highest weight I had ever been, attending a course for a degree I realised I didn't actually like, like I thought I had.
My friends had new interests I didn't, I felt like I was a bother to everyone, and then the worst of the worst happened. I didn't want to live anymore.
I remember that weekend like it was yesterday. It was a long weekend, I didn't work and I had hit an all-time low.
I got in bed on Thursday after class at about 5: 00 and I didn't leave (except for crawling to the washroom a few times) until Monday morning for class.
That whole weekend is still a blur to me honestly. I ate nothing, drank nothing, and didn't move.
I was curled up in a bawl, sobbing uncontrollably shaking terrified of ever leaving my apartment again, as if strangers would mock me or attack.
I was honestly so scared to go outside ever again. I kept falling asleep, waking up, zoning out. I felt like I couldn't keep a grasp on my reality.
I remember thinking how easy it was to just never get up again. I remember thinking how maybe I should just never get up again. One thing stopped me though, my family.
I didn't want to dissapoint any more than I felt like I already had. Somehow I managed remind myself how much they love me, and I made it through those days and actually graduated.
I thought that finally I could put that horrible past behind me but then reality had hit.
I was a graduate for a degree I didn't even want, I was living home with my parents again, I had no job, and certainly wouldn't have a career in what I had originally chosen.
I was the heaviest I have ever been, I never left my bed unless for food, the washroom and the occasional drive so I could go for a short walk to hide that I was smoking,
anything to destroy myself further I guess. Most days though, I would wake up at midnight, realise that I couldn't leave my room or I'd wake up my parents, so I would just sleep again.
Days would pass, weeks passed, then eventually 3 months passed, of me hiding away from the world. I never knew the day, the time unless it was dark. My parents had finally had enough.
They called me lazy (they didn't realise the horrible stuff I had been going through, how could they help if I didn't even tell them, you know?) They would yell at me nonstop. They knew something was wrong with me but didn't know how to help me it was frustrating for them, and I understand why they acted the way they did. They missed the old happy, me.
They didn't know what to do with me, but one day they realised they were going at things the wrong way.
They told me that If I got a good paying job and earnestly worked hard to save, they would help me buy a house.
This one goal, was enough to give me a purpose I needed to start living like the old motivated me again.
I thought that if I could actually work and own my own home, then I had something of worth, something I could be proud of.
I thought that if I could buy this house, then I couldnt keep feeling useless anymore because I achieved this goal.
So I accepted their offer despite all my fears and that's right, at the age of 19, I bought a house.
I think the hardest think I have ever had to do, is somehow push all the horrible anxiety and panic attacks into the back of myself and pretend it wasn't happening, just to apply for a job.
It was damn near impossible for me,
I had to clench my hand into fists in my pockets to try to hide and stop the shaking but I told myself the worst that could happen is that they don't hire me. Then I got the job.
My father had to drive me into my first day, and I remember having to drive back to the gas station we had passed earlier (we were early for my first day and the station was close),
just so I could have a Anxiety attack and get horribly sick. When I finally started my shift, I didn't look anyone in the eye, I couldn't remember any names, I could barely even keep up. I was out of breath, drenched in sweat, and wasn't sure how I would be able to keep this up every day.
I was a overweight girl, with a suddenly very demanding hard 12 hour labour job. After the shift was over I could barely walk but when my dad picked me up, I remember I just started bawling.
I did it. I actually went out into the world, even though It was a dumb, small achievement, 12 hours before it had seemed impossible to me. I knew that if I could get through each day like I had that day, then I would be alright.
Now all I had to do was take it one day at a time and just keep coming back. 7 months later here I am.
I am a home owner, over 40 pounds down in weight (because I was active and being healthy for once, not starving), finally happy, I have a beautiful pet bird, I actually have 4 jobs now,
I quit the smoking ages ago, and I honestly haven't been this happy in years. Do I still have those days where I break down? Yes.
IBS, Depression, Anxiety, Eating disorders, all of these never truly go away, but I know how to manage them better now. I have better coping methods now. I did it guys, and you can too.
One thing I always thought too was how compared to my friends, I had things so much easier in life, being more fortunate with a more caring family,
and I told myself my problems were invalid because they weren't as bad as my friends. I was so wrong.
No matter how big or small a problem may seem, do not demean yourself by saying your problems are insignificant or don't matter. They do. All of your problems matter.
A small problem for you, may be an impossible feat for another. I know I will have tough times ahead again, because I am only human, and you are too. All we can do is try our best.
Remember this saying "If you are going through hell, why stop?"
You've got this, you can overcome these obstacles in your life that are holding you back, and don't be afraid to ask for help when you know someone can help lift you over a life hurdle.
There is no shame in asking for help! Be proud of who you are, you are beautiful, you are strong, and you have the power to make a change for a better tomorrow. ________________________________ Best of wishes, Sincerely ۰۪۫L۪۫۰۰۪۫e۪۫۰۰۪۫o۪۫۰۰۪۫s۪۫۰۰۪۫h۪۫۰۰۪۫e۪۫۰