Crazy Date
Crazy Date comedy stories
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kzachar1
kzachar1 ooh that’s a God idea, lemme write that
Autoplay OFF   •   8 months ago
Please don't look at me that way.

Crazy Date

Please don't look at me that way. I know you are holding judgemental daggers in your eyes. But I'm an adult, and I can do what I want...and I learned...

so if you keep staring at me and shaking your head, I'm not gonna tell you what happened...okay are you done now? Alright, alright. I'll tell you.

I met him one day at the gym. Yes, the gym.

I workout! What do you think I do all day, whine about my singleness and drown myself with cookies and Ruffles chips and dip? No, I only do that on the weekdays.

On the weekends, I might run to the gym to do some treadmilling or whatever.

Anyway, I was doing some squats or whatever when this guy showed up from nowhere.

I should have known he was no good by the way he was eying my ass, but he's so hot that everything he did was condoned. "Hey," I said....

Yeah, I said hey! I'm not some weird introvert that you assume I am. Yeah I'm wearing my thick glasses around you, but I try my best to look like a hot babe in public.

"You don't need to do no more squats, honey." He slurred this as he took a swig of his water. He kept staring at my assets. "You already got it."

So I'll admit, I was giggling like a doll that malfunctioned and I was a hot sweaty mess when he shook my hand. Another red flag was that he never said my name, although I told him it.

"What's your name, dear?"

"Heeheehee...it's Jackie."

"Oh, ok babe."

"Yeah....heeheehehee."

"You're hot af, babygirl."

"Hee hee heee hahahahaha...."

Anyway I asked him out. Whaaaaaat? We're in 2020 now, girl. The girls can ask the guy! What's wrong with---did you just say I'm one of the reasons why guys are so weak these days...omg shuttup.

So I asked him to the only place I could think of at the moment...McDonalds.

Okay, you know what, I'm not gonna tell the story anymore if you keep looking at me like that. Close your freakin mouth. You can let flies in!

So unlike you, rolling your eyes and gaping like a crazed fish, he smiled a deep lazy smile and whispered, "Sure babe," and once I gave him the date and time he gave me his What'sApp.

When he finally sauntered away I freestyled all the way home. I heard a mom tell her child, "Don't look at that crazy lady," but I was too much in love to care.

You think love is such a strong word in this situation? Okay, fine, I was a little in love. I felt like falling in chocolate fudge icecream.

So finally the day arrived, and I woke up at 6 although we said we'll meet at 12 noon...

I tried on 5 sweaters, 6 dresses, 4 skirts, 3 pairs of leggings, 12 different pairs of shoes, and nothing still seemed right.

I was a crying mess by this time and I dragged on the kitchen floor to soothe my pain with the fudge icecream.

By the time I finished eating, it was 11:30 and I screamed and I took the longest shower...for 20 minutes! I shaved everything, yes absolutely everywhere until I was as bare as a newborn.

I tossed my hair into a ponytail so that my hair tumbled down, and I dabbed on sparkly lip gloss and falsies. Yeah.

I haveta have my falsies! Then I yanked on some shorts that are too small but it made my butt look extra big, and so...it was a McDonald's date! What did you expect me to wear, a gown?

I also threw on a red tank top that revealed everything, and when I walked everything jiggled, the outfit was perfect.

I hopped in my car and drove to the McDonald's, I texted him that I was here. He did not reply. I waited for 20 minutes before I ordered a Big Mac. Still no answer.

So I bought a large Oreo milkshake so I had something to do. 16 minutes later and he still did not reply, so I guzzled a large fry and a large Coke.

I know, I know I'm supposed to wait for the date before I ate, but remember, I did not eat breakfast...and I am not like you with a book in my hand. I didn't have anything else to do. So I ate.

And I waited.

I waited for 8 hours.

Please...please stop looking at me like that...

it was worth it, though! He drove up in a black Nissan and he sauntered out, looking unbothered and such, I saw him from the window and I was so mad at him at first.

I was in the kids playplace because kids make me so happy and so jealous at the same time,

they don't have to worry about their bodies or how much food they eat or what guys or girls can notice them...

anyway he saw me from the window and I was about to go to him, when in one swoop he was inside the playplace.

I opened my mouth with an essay of accusations that I wanted to say, when he pinned me to the wall of the jungle gym.

"There are kids here!" I screamed, but he kissed me anyway. Oh Gawd, that kiss...

it was salty and sweet because I ate the fries and the milkshake, and his colonge overwhelmed me until I forgot where I was, until I heard screeching.

I opened my eyes and I saw a mom swinging at me with a purse.

She was yelling, "Get your nasty whore self out of here! My kid is here!" and she yanked his arm up high for possible effect.

The little boy was just staring and staring and I looked around and all the kids and parents were staring and screaming, and I looked at the guy but he was now trying to feel up on me,

like he was oblivious of the chaos we were causing.

"Stop!" I said, but it felt so good that I didn't want to stop, so the security had to make the desicion for us.

He said something like we were never allowed in that McDonalds again or something like that, but my mind was still whirling from the kiss that I couldn't think.

The guy pulled me in his car and we made out for awhile until his phone went off, then he said, "Sorry babe, I gotta go."

I didn't move.

I didn't move, I couldn't move, I wouldn't, I tried to kiss him again but he didn't,

"Get out."

I still wouldn't, so he grabbed my shoulders and yanked me out. I started screaming and wailing and he said I'm crazy and he revved his engine and sped off.

So I sunk to the ground and cried and cried until you showed up.

I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry...you should be with your kids right now but here you are...tending to me...

It's just...when your father...left...I was never the same...

I'm sorry that your Mommy is so crazy...I don't need any help! I don't wanna hear from no doctor!

Wait, is he a male doctor? Female? For my own good? You're no fun. Fine, if it makes you happy...I'll go.

I can't believe you still love me. You love your crazy Mommy?

Yes. I love you too.

Writing Prompt: Write about a date that was so terrible you’ll never forget it.

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