1. Passive voice makes everything sound more scholarly
Why should you write the paper when the paper should be written by you?
2. Never read any of the assigned works
If you're cut out to be an English buff, you'll be able to analyze works without cracking it open. If you're not, then you probably wouldn't get it even if you read the work so what's the point?
3. Use big words to sound important
In order to ensure teachers heed your compositions, it is of the utmost importance that you write using the most elephantine adjectives and adverbs; for this they will reward you with high grades
4. LENGTH LENGTH LENGTH LENGTH LENGTH LENGTH LENGTH LENGTH
Try to make your masterpiece as protracted and circumlocutory as possible. Bonus points for chaining clauses like paper clips. Better works are always longer - just ask Hemingway.
5. Use fancy punctuation like there's no tomorrow
Better be safe than sorry - you don't want to be that one person who "eats shoots and leaves"... or worse; that would be a disaster!!!!!!!!