So I believed and went on smiling, choking down the lump in my throat and suffocating the screams in my lungs. All while ignoring the pounding in my head and aching pain in my lungs. I loved you nevertheless. Although this sickness in my brain grew stronger and broke me weaker. I ignored the vaccines that were my friends and family.
I chose to call them the monsters and killers when the real one was the boy with his hands down my pants telling me he deserved this and it would make me happy too. It didn't. When I begged for sweet talks at 2 am and loving attention in the mornings you gave me "just one more picture please you know you want to." and "just suck it you're being to irrational."
I didn't listen to the gagging feeling in my throat telling me this was wrong or the shaking in my legs begging me to turn back and go to sleep, I need my rest. I begged you to help me when I needed it most and all you told me was "you need me I'll make it better" when you never fucking did. I believed everything you said
even when you stayed way longer then normal at another girl's house when your phone was dead, "nothing happened I promise baby stop crying." I didn't listen to the pit in my stumick or my eyes clouded by tears and my throat sore from the sobs coming from my aching chest. No. I listened to you after all of that I listened to you.
Not my best friend telling me I needed better when we first broke up. not my sister's saying you're to good for him or even my own mother showing me how close you were to my father. No. I listened to the one who told me he was going to chain me to the floor boards and fuck me until I loved him again if I tried to leave him.
Thank god I moved before I deleted your number and shut off my phone. thank god I left you before I went Back. thank fucking god I didn't feel the aftermath of all the shit you caused me. thank god my mind blocks these things away to stop the trauma from killing me.
The only reason I would want to really comprehend how bad this was is so I could feel was how much I should fucking hate you. how much I should want you dead. How much I should feel sick at the sight of your face. I feel nothing now. And to think. Uprooting the weeds you planted inside of me is the hardest part.