pain stories

kerryjohnstone Queer poet with a lot on their mind
Autoplay OFF   •   3 years ago
people you hold closest can often be doibg you the most harm.


I am useless

"For fuck sake do you actually do anything besides sit in your room and do nothing." "Your worse than your sister, just fuck off and leave, I don't want you here anymore." "I don't know what I did wrong with you, you're just like your Father"

I am brainless

"Your written work is well below average, your going to have to pull your grades up." "Do you even study or are you just lazy?" "Your work is atrocious you're a grown up you should know how to spell.." "Stupid idiot can you do anything right?"

I am wasting my life

"Theatre really? thats a really tough job market you'll never find anything after uni" "An arts course isn't even a real course" "You can barely keep your self together how are you supposed to run a theatre company?"

I am kidding myself

"Your a walking stereotype why cant you just be normal?" "You just don't know how to love, you'll never find anyone because of that." "But have you ever actually been with a guy?" "You are never going to make anything of your life."

I am numb.

From a life time of self doubt from the ones I held closest, My mouth only know to say these words when describing me.

Through a childhood of bullying what i hoped where rays of light slowly dissipated one by one in tuts and head shakes of disappointment.

As I grew up my mind gradually was over came by my darkest of thoughts.

If I am kidding you then fine, I hand my self over to you, I will be as you wish me to be.

I will grow my hair into plats resembling the chains tethering me to a gender

I will fashion a dress out of straight jackets to hold my mind down so it may be bent at will

I will paint a smile on my face, of lipgloss and contour kits, as it is the only way I will smile in admiration for a strong masculine husband I will never love.

If I am wasting my time - ten I shall give my time to you dearest family. I drew guidelines of silver and red telling of everything I never wanted maybe you can start there and bring them to life one by one.

If I am brainless then tell me. do not instead undermine me in whispers and hearsay that catch my ear on the wind and hurt even more. If I am brainless then capture me and pin me down as I am a hazard to both me and the society I live within.

If I am useless then let me disappear. Let m evaporate into the night time, let me kill whats left of the shell i'm in for for the harsh words that surround me are hazardous, they poison my head and leave me with out hope for my future.

Reviving my soul is a failed effort so let me pass on for the slanderous words only add to the ever growing darkness inside that is fueled my self hatred.

I am lonely as I have only pushed all away so that I will no longer find heartache in once happy places

I am gone. I lost myself long ago when they walked out and left a shell and conscious behind, with only a dark abyss in their chest cavity. There should be a universe woven into her rib cage but instead...

I am numb, I only wish to feel pain. Soon your words shall fall on the def ears of a childwho once cared to much of others opinions.

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