Bring me back
Bring me back
 break stories

kerryjohnstone Queer poet with a lot on their mind
Autoplay OFF   •   3 years ago
i just want to feel again.

Bring me back

by kerryjohnstone

I put my heart in your hands and screamed for you to crush what you held,

with burning lungs begged for you to tear it in half, praying with fire in my breath for you to inflict the pain i had lain on you, for you to inflict a worse state on my heart…

and you tried, but as you began to squeeze the red liquid lust from the tender muscle…

You showed mercy. You left it beating, you left it whole.

What mercy is that. Not mercy. Mercy would have been to tear it apart in the second it touched your hand. Mercy would have been making the pain real. Giving me pain so that i can heal.

I deserved.

I begged.

I craved.

I screamed.

I yearned for you to destroy me like i did you.

But you just took it. Left with it. turned and walked away with it. now there is just emptiness where there should be pain.

where i deserved to hurt…

I’m just empty. Void of feeling, spared but missing a part of me.

This, what seems like mercy to others is my darkest of nightmares.

Even my own self destruction just feels …

Without My heart nothing feels worth it anymore. Please tear it in two and return it… i only want to feel again.

I want the pain of this loss. I want the closure. I want to… to…

I want to feel more than the nothingness i’ve become in the midnight tears and twilight coffees.

I want to be able to sleep without the thought of you running laps of my head.

is that to much to ask.

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