Ruins
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kerryjohnstoneQueer poet with a lot on their mind
Autoplay OFF  •  4 months ago
its a little long but stick with it... its a little insight into how lost i can get in my mind.

Ruins

by kerryjohnstone

In the ruins of a broken mind she lie’s and stare up at the sky Through the cracks in the roof and the walls And she wonder’s if she’ll ever be fixed.

Because she know’s this is a job for more than bricks to fix This is more than just crumbling wall’s This is hurt,

and pain and...

and…

her .

In the ruins of a broken mind she’s trapped.

She’s Stuck.

She has Nowhere go.

But for the most part it’s okay.

In a Lonely space she is left to her own devices In a peaceful tranquility of pure nothingness, A blissful existence if non- existence.

No one notices her and she glide’s on by No questions, no worries, no personality, no cares. Just the blissful darkness.

The nothingness…

But In the ruins of her mind she’s left.

Pondering for hours on end, Analysing her life and those around her and what she boil’s down to...

A few bullied years in high school with bad grades? And train of broken souls from people she’d hurt because at the time didn’t know how to love?

But she realises that now she was the person people simply pass on by for brief second.

She is never remembered… Insignificant in anyone’s journey

She is a small, ambiguous dot on there timeline, creating little impact on there life…

She is the person people forget

but soon, eventually, In the nothingness she thought was her friend She is beginning to drown.

If drowning in thought were possible Her lungs would be taken up by the over-thought words of others cementing Her fears within her.

Restricting her her thoughts, her breath, her body those word would echo through her…

‘There’s nothing to say about you’ ’you’re just…” ‘I don’t remember you, your forgettable'

And Though She is insignificant to everyone else, They make a comet impact on her soul so much so that it hurts to leave anyone behind

Looking through the ruins she can see the dark skies Creeping in. And the crumbling walls she had once built strong, were going to fail her once more.

Her emotional state come to light. Unable to process and digest thoughts and feelings Now regretting being alone with her head as

A thick smog is now taking over her mind and body. In these ruins she backs up into a corner In attempt to escape.

Huddled gripping her knees to her chest, weeping what little left she has Out of fear that this is her eternity

She cant stop the feeling of self loathing as Her thoughts are try to catch hold of her…

The heartbreaks, The fuck ups The loneliness, The self hatred

A never-ending battle with herself to come out on top,

As battles grew more and more frequent, she realises this time she is done To weak to fight herself anymore,

She stands tall and waits hoping for The Claws of fate to grab hold of her heart and drag it away. Far away, destroying her, to weaken her mind.

Without influences of the heart to soften the blow Her self-destruction makes twice the damage.

In the ruins of her mind it’s 5 am and she can’t sleep… again And she’s staring at the roof for the hundredth time this month. Broken down and worn out.

Fed up of “it’s okay” and “keep going” looping from online forums.

The over thinking grows ever stronger.

No one cares, Your pathetic, Your shit You’ll be stuck in this for eternity, You don’t deserve a heart. You don’t deserve love

And she grows ever weaker

Done fighting, Done caring Insignificant to others so why bother Give up. she’s given up.

she’s given up.

When she felt night beginning to retreat, and light broke through the ruins. standing, looking out in the vast existence

over seas and fields she gains a contorted perspective in the new light of day, She tell’s her self to stop being stupid.

pulling together tarp and rope stone and cement she will rebuild

Rebuilding the around the ruins of her mind won’t be easy but it’s a start Rebuilding her mind, she knows it will never be perfect,

But she also knows it inevitably wont matter, As it will all crumble to ruins once again. for her mind is as settled as a writers pen.

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kerryjohnstoneGifted WriterQueer poet with a lot on their mind
4 months agoReply
@bernardtwindwil thank you, this poem came to mean a lot to me recently while trying to process what goes on in my head and it means a lot that people appreciate it.

kerryjohnstoneGifted WriterQueer poet with a lot on their mind
4 months agoReply
@lotusmystiek thank you! <3

bernardtwindwilGold CommaGranddad & story teller, tomthepo8.com
4 months agoReply
This is a wonderfully written insight to the cognitively dissonant mind. You have given a view that others will never feel and never think. You have also given comraderic solace to those that are so afflicted. You wrote with clarity and sensitivity. Great poem!!!!!!!

lotusmystiekGifted Writerstill as depressing as always
4 months agoReply
wow, this was really powerful. don't worry, you're not the only one who can get so lost in their mind. this is i think one of my favourite works of yours! it was so real, and really well written.