kids go to camp (1)
kids go to camp (1) crack stories
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kenmae
kenmae please do not rhyme 'rest' with 'best'
Autoplay OFF   •   4 months ago
Some crack/satire(?) I started when I was 14. Is offensive. Lol. Did you really think it wouldn't be? I even made sure grammar and punctuation was imperfect for more impact.

kids go to camp (1)

"MMMM," said Mrs Warde as she sucked in the bug-infested air into her wide, humongous, wet and dripping nostrils. "I love nature!"

As the kids trudged out of the bus, Troy, who was at the back, pushed the kid in front of him, causing a domino effect.

"I am the cool," he said, holding up double peace signs as he stepped over the corpses. All the kids in front of him had conveniently broken their necks.

"Yawwww, you just murdered the hella-clackity-quackity out of 'dem," said their camp instructor, Will I. Smith, who was black and diverse. "Shit fuck cunt pussy diddly-daddly-o!"

"He has Tourette's to make him more diverse without undergoing a sex change," Mrs Warde expositioned as the second bus came screeching into the parking lot, and Danielle, Emo Girl,

Coco Crunch Boy, and Preppy girl gracefully buttslided over to where Troy was standing, bodies of their classmates surrounding him like a majestic pentagram of ham.

But they were unimportant to the point where if this story was a manga the stupid mangaka wouldn't even bother drawing faces on them so everybody just ignored the bodies like good

little children.

"Waddup," said Troy.

Emo Girl slit her wrist emo-ly in response while Preppy Girl immediately captured her boyfriend in a delicious lip-lock in front of the entire student body that were still alive.

Coco Crunch Boy crunched cereal, making everybody wonder how he hadn't died from all three types of diabetes yet, including gestational.

Danielle sadistically set the bodies of fire, so now the pentagram of ham was now a pentagram of flaming ham.

As Will I. Smith cursed up a storm, the strong independent woman camp instructor strutted into the parking lot, wearing a blouse that left her entire torso exposed.

She was Chinese or Korean or some white girl with yellow fever.

"I am Ex. Pan Dong," she said edgily.

"Don't sexualise me or else!!!1!" Then she flipped her hair back sexily, thrusting out her shapely breasts and perfectly wide hips to the male underage students.

The male underage students quickly learned why her name was Ex. Pan Dong.

"Yaww, it's rewind time," Will I. Smith yelled over fifty boners.

Everybody groaned.

"What kind of camp is this anyway?" asked the leader of the Asian clique as he removed his nose from his 'Qualities A Doctor Must Have To Make Money' book.

At the back of the group, some little Chinese boys had set up a game of mahjong, and were spitting like llamas at each other in a mixture of Mandarin and Cantonese.

Nobody could really tell because they weren't chink.

"Isn't it obvious??!!" Ex. Pan Dong jiggled with immense passion. "This is Acceptance Camp!"

"I thought it was nature camp," said Danielle.

"Yeah! How am I supposed to grow my own weed now?!" yelled some stupid kid named Cameron.

"No more!" Mrs Warde warbled. "Into the hall for obligatory introductions!"

They went inside like angry ducklings on crack.

Mrs Warde suddenly teleported to the inside of the hall and smiled widely as the kids marched inside.

"Good morning everybody! As you know, I'm your supervising teacher, Mrs Warde and today we'll be -"

Ex. Pan Dong and Will I. Smith jiggled and cursed respectively as they stationed themselves in the corner of the room, waiting to become relevant again.

"No one gives a crap!" one kid shouted from the back.

"Go kill yourself!" said another kid.

"We'll all be standing up one at a time to introduce ourselves," Mrs Warde said, completely oblivious to the interruptions.

"And we'll also be telling each other what we want to be when we grow up!"

"What is this, kindergarten?" Emo Girl muttered. "It's not like we don't already know each other."

Mrs Warde motioned for Troy to stand up. "Why don't you go first dearie?"

"Hell no," said the boy.

Suddenly, Mrs Warde's eye started twitching and her body started to spasm. The kids stared at what they thought was their teacher going into cardiac arrest.

"Uh, on second thoughts, I'll go," the boy reconsidered, obviously freaked by the teacher's behaviour.

"Good boy," Mrs Warde said sweetly.

The boy cleared his throat and started. "Sup. I'm Troy. I like rock music. When I grow up I'm going to rockstar celebrity and all the chicks are going to love me.

" Then he returned to his spot on the floor.

After your usual 'firefighters', 'astronauts' and all the Asian kids that had been forced by their parents to pursue a career path of either 'doctor', 'accountant', 'lawyer' or 'engineer',

it was Danielle's turn.

"I'm Danielle and when I grow up I'm going to be a serial killer," she said bluntly. "That is all."

There were a few claps and this Coco Crunch Boy hugged his 'Coco Crunch' cereal box closer to his chest.

Then it was Cameron, a boy who went to Danielle's primary school in the past, who stood up for his turn. He just kept silently standing there. Crickets started chirping.

"Hurry the hell up!" yelled Troy.

Suddenly, Cameron turned around and started trembling violently.

"Good going Troy you made him cry!" Coco Crunch Boy shouted indignantly. "Bully!"

"Come here and say that, you coward!" screamed Troy, and the boys both launched themselves at each other, punching and kicking.

A naked old man launched himself through the window, flapping his arms everywhere. "I'm crazy!!!!!!"

Emo Girl decided it would be a good time to pick a catfight with Preppy Girl sitting in front of her as the class perv, Joshua, took some pictures while nose bleeding anime style.

The hall became a catastrophe within seconds. Mrs Warde tried to calm them down but ended up having a seizure on the floor instead.

"GYAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

Everyone became silent and turned to Cameron, who had hollered, gaping as they did so. The old man stopped flapping his arms.

Emo Girl and Preppy Girl stopped clawing each other with their nails and Josh stopped taking perverted photos.

But he did cry indignantly when his rival Herbert the Pervert snatched the camera out of his hands. Even Mrs Warde halted her epileptic episode.

Cameron had magically changed into this gangster outfit, consisting of a backwards cap, big gold chains, a badass shirt, baggy pants, huge shoes and shades two times the size of his face.

"Yo what up!" he shrieked, acting all gangster and making a boom box magically appear on his shoulder.

"The name's DJ Cam and ya'll are gonna take orders from me now on! 'Cuz I'm da big man! You guys ain't gettin' jiggy with it! Ya'll ain't crunk enough!"

'Turn down for what' blared loudly on the boombox and he started headbanging.

"Eww," said Preppy Girl, rolling her eyes.

"What even," Emo Girl deadpanned.

"You will never be a rockstar celebrity who gets all the chicks like me," Troy said in one mouthful.

"I'm never sharing my cereal with you ever again," scowled Coco Crunch Boy, "even if Danielle threatens to kill my cereal if I don't share with you."

"Ya'll are jealous!" shouted Cameron.

"Jealous because you'll never be as hip and gnarly and radical as me! Ya'll gonna be nerdy doctors, engineers, accountants and lawyers while I'll be a badass pimp with a Batmobile."

He made a weird wiggling motion with his arms. "Oh snap!"

Everybody just stared at him in disbelief.

"Is this guy for real?" Danielle said, breaking the silence.

"What a loser."

"What a weeb."

"What a cereal hater."

"What a homeless man."

Naked Old Man gurgled insanely in the background and started flapping his arms in protest of the last comment. He was joined by Mrs Warde, who started to seizure once again.

"How dare you!"

Everyone turned to see the Asian kids standing menacingly at Cameron. The lead Asian kid stepped forward and said: "What's wrong with being an engineer, doctor, accountant or lawyer?!"

The Asians behind him started cracking their knuckles and narrowed their squinty eyes into slits.

"Uh, nothing," Cameron said nervously, rubbing the back of his head. "Um those careers are totally gnarly."

As soon as he said 'gnarly' the Asian kids pounced on him. Cameron screamed in pain and begged for mercy as he was relentlessly beaten within an inch of his life.

Preppy Girl, Emo Girl, Coco Crunch Boy, Troy and Danielle all exchanged a glance.

"Wanna be friends?"

"Lol ok."

"Why not?"

"We already are, but let's pretend like we weren't before for new readers."

At that moment Snobby Girl from Danielle's primary school came out of nowhere and sneered at the new group of friends.

She was joined by her brainless lipstick-addicted minions Jessica and Tiffany.

"We don't like you," declared Snobby Girl.

"Um, why?" asked Danielle.

They were unknowingly photographed by Josh and Herbert the Pervert who had formed an alliance when the Asian kids started beating up Cameron.

"Because you're the main character," piped Jessica, scowling.

"I actually kinda like you," admitted Tiffany. "But I have to hate whoever Snobby Girl hates."

"So we're going to be your rivals," growled Snobby Girl. "You better watch your backs. Bye losers!"

With that, the three girls sashayed away.

Troy approached Preppy Girl. "Wanna be my girlfriend?"

"We're already dating, but sure!" said Preppy Girl, and they walked off holding hands.

"I never said playtime," rasped Mrs Warde as she flopped around while Naked Old Man danced around her like he was conducting some human sacrifice ritual.

"This is the true fucking spirit of this fucking shitty ass camp, bitch!" Will I. Smith said calmly to Ex. Pan Dong.

Ex. Pan Dong vibrated bitchily and thottily in response. "The penises are flying in," she declared grimly. "We must close the portal to the dick dimension--#pussypower!"

TO BE CONTINUED...

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