I've always hated Kate Chopin.
Her stories always seemed to hit too close to home. But not only that, she was also an absolute bore and downer to read. Plus, she was a widow. What did she know about affairs aside from her weird fantasies?
It is more complicated than freedom, lust, regret, and guilt.
It is wondering where to draw the line. It is the fear yet desire of getting caught. It is asking yourself how can you still do this to these people when you feel like you love them both.
And I would know.
The first time it happened, it was strictly emotional.
Confused by the thoughts in my head, I tried to make sense of myself. "Maybe I'm just not monogamous."
I proceeded to tell my partner this. They were kind about it, but that did not stop them from ending the relationship Which was totally understandable
The next few times, I noticed a pattern. Whenever I felt like my partner was lacking in some way or I felt like I didn't get what I needed in a relationship, I turned to someone else.
That did not mean that I did not love them, I just needed more. So now, I'm constantly thinking, "Do I really not love them? Or does the grass always seem greener on the other side?"
But instead of telling them right away, I held on. I watched my feelings of infatuation for other people melt away and my current partner became my rock, my constant.
"I must really love them," I thought to myself.
And time has passed, we have been together for almost 7 years with no incidents.
Then something changed.