It's like the very tip of a knife blade tapping you on the shoulder, edging against you, rocking back and forth, until you find the one holding the knife is the one you love,
and it cuts deep over and over again, through everything you are; skin to bone.
The sharp colour of silver blending with red.
It creeps up on you, unannounced.
A wound is formed that may never completely heal.
It's like that feeling churning in your belly, half butterflies; but not the good kind, you've almost forgotten for one moment.
You swallow, it hurts.
It comes from deep below.
Its flutters turn into electric shocks, surging through your body and no longer just your belly.
It comes all of a sudden.
It's that feeling that keeps coming back, and you wonder will it ever stop?
It's like a note scrunched up in the back pocket of your favourite denim jeans, moving in and out of a wash cycle, still legible enough to remind you of who you are and what you've done.
It holds its place.
Never leaving, never fading.
You can't reverse this one.
It's like watching other's pass you by and wondering what their story is; who they are and what they've done and knowing even if it is different to yours or the same in some way,
they must be stronger, better.
They must be something or someone you're not and will never be.
It's like the sound of a bomb falling from the sky, and everything it impacted crashing down around you, and you're just still standing there.
You look fine on the outside, but inside, you're just as absent as anything that was.
It's like nothing, silence that was once bliss, impossibly loud and tearing at you to get inside again.
And it's successful.
It's not quite right but you can't put your finger on it, a familiar smell in a familiar situation, the past mixed with the present, what could it be?
It's unpleasant and stagnant, it's still and complacent. It won't go away.
It's so desiccated, you can describe it like you've always known it.
It's so bitter, they've taken everything away to make it raw against you.
Make it go away.
Because I want to feel something else, someone else, anything else.
I want to see the future and not the past, I don't want to live this anymore!
I just want to be present.
I want to hear something constant.
I want to wake up and smell something different.
I want to taste what it could really be like.
I don't want to accept this trauma or carry it for any longer.
I want to accept you, accept myself.
I want to forgive you, forgive myself.
Let me go so I can let go.
I am at the end.
How do I begin again?
Copyright (c) by Kathryn Jenkins.
All rights reserved.