Is it grounds for us to still do this even if I am lying to you?
Is the truth too much to handle?
Because I can keep it from you, I can.
And no I can't stop, because my mind doesn't stop.
Do you think I like this? Do you think I find it fun?
I am constantly on edge, as if I may jump.
The pain beneath my rib cage rising up, like I need to swallow, but I can't.
My tears even struggling, blurred lines stuck barely ever continuing, and when they do they aren't a straight stream.
And if it's not that it's just emptiness.
But not even because I still can't stop.
Why won't you just sit here and let me be?
Just be silent with me.
Let me talk, don't let me talk.
Let me cry, don't let me cry.
Let me think, don't let me think.
Help me! Stop me!
Just do what I need you to do.
Be what I need you to be.
Because I am selfish.
And you need to be it for me.
So I will lie because the truth hurts and it is too much for you.
The ground will shake and be uneven but you will take it as no sign of direction.
My mind will stop for you.
I will like this.
I will find it fun.
I will step back, not nearing the edges so I won't 'fall'.
I'll take away the pain some other way, the way you can't see.
I will swallow it all down.
I will point the direction of my eyes straight ahead to look at you and I won't cry.
I will look fulfilled in other ways.
I will stop.
I will sit here and be.
I will balance out the space between silence so nothing is absent for too long.
But I still won't cry.
I will think just enough, not overthink.
You don't need to help me anymore.
You don't need to stop me.
Just be as you are.
What you need to be.
Because I'm not trying to be selfish and you are it for me.
Just forget about the rest.
I don't want to matter and that is the only way I might be able to be.
Copyright (c) by Kathryn Jenkins.
All rights reserved.
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