Why is it that people began accusing me of being a communist after I started speaking to my cat in French? This was really puzzling me and I needed answers- urgently.
I bought the first bus ticket I could find to Los Angelas. It only cost me $7.95, probably because the bus took 5 weeks and stopped at every bus stop along the way.
So I finally got to sunny California. I went straight to Hollywood and found the property where they film the Dr. Phil show. I knocked on the front door. A young woman opened and greeted me.
"Hello? How can I help you?"
"I'm here to see Dr. Phil. I have a question for him- I think that I need to see him right now."
The woman blinked and giggled and shook her head. "Aren't you just the cutest thing to walk on two legs!"
"Dr. Phil is actually taping next months show! If you'd like to sit in the audience I'd be more than happy to arrange that for you?"
"That would be really, really fantastic, do you think he'll do a Q and A?"
"Haha no, I don't think so! Come on in! Do you have a piece of ID on you?"
I handed her my 5 year membership to the Beer Store. It had all my info on there.
"Thanks! Hey this is a really great picture of you!"
We walked down a dusty hall and wound up on a sound stage behind some wooden walls.
"Ok, listen," whispered the woman.
"They're in the middle of a show right now, but if you tip toe really quietly over to that empty seat then maybe no one will notice! Good luck!"
She patted me on the back and then hurried away down the hall, still crouched over like a hunch back. I took a step forwards and began walking to the empty seat, doing my best to stay quiet.
"So the reason WHY you're so insecure has to do with- excuse me, can I help you?"
I turned around and saw that Dr. Phil was talking to me.
"Yes, I have a quick question, if you don't mind?"
"Go ahead. Let's hear what's on your mind!"
"Ok great, I'm wondering why people started thinking that I was a communist as soon as I started speaking to my new cat, can you explain that to me?"
"Well it's probably because you're a low browed, flat footed insecure wreck! I mean you haven't had a steady job in five years!
Find your self a loving support network and I GUARANTEE that these hurtful communist remarks will subside!"
"Awesome, thank you!"
I left the studio and took the bus back home.