I am going to post my journals on commaful. They will be unedited, raw, and about my recovery.
My intention in posting them is to show others who suffer from mental illness that they are not alone. I also want to recover, and hope that I can inspire some others out there to seek help.
With that said, here is journal entry 1.
About three weeks ago I had a relapse of cutting. I did it for several days at work before going to my boss and asking for help.
I gave her my knife and the next day I was placed on administrative leave. I was being paid, and was told to complete FMLA paperwork, and to get some help.
My psychiatrist filled out the paperwork, and recommended some time off for my employers sake. I sought out a treatment program, and let me tell you that was something.
About ten phone calls and transfers from my insurance agency, and I ended up at a providence outpatient facility for mental health.
It was terrifying going to group that first day. But I did. I went the next two days too, and I’m going again tomorrow.
In the middle of one day my work called me and took me off leave due to my doctors note, and now I have to file disability.
I won’t make enough to cover what I made, and I’m going to have to cut so much out to keep the bills paid. I’ve cried from rage, and sadness, not to mention the medical bills I will have.
But my anger at my job undermines the group work I’ve been doing. If you follow my poems you know I smoke pot and cut.
One girl at group was a heavy drinker and has now been sober for two months. One guy is tempted by pot, but not using per his doctors recommendation.
My doctors think that cutting it out might help my antidepressants work better, but haven’t been forceful with the idea.
Yet I think. I have time off work, this supportive group of people, a way to work on my mental health, and the need to save money.
Now is the best chance in my life to kick my addiction to pot. Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t judge, I think it’s pretty safe, and I still like it.
But I’m gonna stop for a while and see how I feel. These first days are going to be the hardest. Today is day one without pot and I don’t have a group until tomorrow.
My kids are being relatively good but my youngest is so needy. It is so so hard to stay sober today.
I’ve had moments of hope, periods of crying. I’m antsy and lazy at the same time. I feel slightly nauseated, but I’m surviving. I’m looking forward to group tomorrow.
I know they’ll be happy with my decision. But regardless of the pot, or even stopping it, this health center is amazing. Anyone out there suffering like I have.
Addiction, depression, bipolar, suicidal, cutting, etc.... Tell your family you need time off. Tell your employer. Find a way to make it work.
Because this is working for me and I want everyone else to get better too.
With that I’ll get off my soap box. Today is sober day one. No more running from my demons. Thank you for following my page.
I will publish more journals about my progress if people like this one. Sincerely and with love, -Joshua