It seems like I'm always looking for something. Even when I know there's nothing there I always have the urge to continue on.
There is no spark or fiery passion burning between us yet I refuse to quit. Using excuses and lies to try to loosen your mind and mine.
But why? Ever since I was young I've always had this stubborn tendency within me. At times it had help but as I grew older all it seemed to do was cause problems.
Never before did I realize why I got them until now. Though even in my realization I cannot resist the burning sensation of pleasure which is my old self.
He has taken control and forces me to keep looking for love where there none. Refusing to quit on lost loves and fantasies like an addict addicted to kicking it in a rundown motel.
Maybe I love the pain, the rejection, the broken self-esteem and everything else that can come in between me and finding who I'm truly meant to be with.
Or maybe it is more, something larger like retribution for sins of a past life. It could also be nothing more than a scared overgrown child who draws pleasure from self-loathing and misery.
Although these are nothing more than theories in a deranged mind of one who has nearly ended his own life for nothing more than out of pure boredom.
As I continue to write this, staining the paper with black I have slowly become to see. There is no alter ego controling my every move. No dark force hellbent on driving me insane.
Not even karma from a distance life lived Since the day I came into this world amid the decisions of good, evil and countless other possibilities there has only been one constant.
As much as I try to deny or push it away, it will always come right back to me. The only controller of my fate, the source of my pain, depression, and seldom life.
It has been, and will always be me.