I've never smoked a cigarette. But I smoked her once. I rolled her up, laced her in enough nitroglycerin to kill an elephant, and inhaled her perfume. Instantly, I was hooked.
I became addicted to the scent of her hair and the lavender taste of her lips. The way her cheeks smiled at me to come closer.
I asked her once if she loved me and her giggle told me, "No baby, I'm just using you." I was fine with it.
Because I was more than okay letting her tear me inside out as long as I could feel her hands reaching for my heart and as she held it, I smiled.
I watched her play with it's not yet broken frame as she decided to drop it. And before I could thank her, she left. I never saw her again.
I've spent the better part of four years carving her essence into my skin. My veins have gone days torn apart, my legs mimic the pattern found on a tiger.
I once had a child ask me if I was in an accident. I told him, "Son, it isn't an accident if you do it on purpose." To this day I only see her on the two nights a year that I dream.
I wake up lying in someone else's bed next to someone I know is not her and I know whoever this girl is, at some point she made me come but now all I wanna do is leave.
Go back to my apartment. Take the remnants of her sweat I hold in my palms and paint them across my walls because one day... One day she will return. And I will be here.
Clawing myself back from whatever hole I have dug just to look up into the same eyes that once made me forget to breathe... to eat... to function. Darling, you are my curse.
And though I know deep in my dark heart that I will never reach you, I'd have no purpose if I stopped trying. There is no happiness in satisfying this hunger. No happiness in apathy.
Happiness comes in striving for your goals. Making waves in an ocean where you never really want to see what's on the other side. And I've thought this through.
What would I really do if I had you?
Probably nothing. Smile for a minute and then question this infatuation. But chasing you. Chasing you is the only reason I am still alive. I won't stop. I can't stop.
Out there is a world in which I am no longer insane, and in it, you are not mine.