I have had many strange days in my life but last night, oh holy mother of Zeus, last night!
I dare say I shall be spending all eternity pondering over my memories of that joyous occasion, and yet I feel as though they will never quite live up to the utter absurdity of the event itself.
You see my dear friend, things had been rather chaotic here on Mount Olympus.
You know, the usual things like my father, Zeus, going around spreading his omnipotent seed amongst all women, like some divine satyr.
But anyway, he suggested that we take a little trip to the human world, just me, him and a few other deities from what my father called ‘other cultures’.
We decided to make our journey on the human day ‘Halloween’, since it is said that on this day the mortals partake in a celebration which involves wearing costumes,
thus allowing us to sneak in unnoticed. Our evening was to be held in what the mortals call a ‘nightclub’, a glorious venue full of drinking and merriment.
When we came to be at our chosen nightclub the other deities had not yet arrived,
though I have never been one for waiting so I quickly acquainted myself with a few of the humans and began my evening without them, leaving my father flirting with a few young women.
My new mortal friends were already rather drunk though it did not take me long to drink myself to their level of intoxication, leaving them rightly impressed.
Yet before I could properly begin to enjoy my new company my father informed me that he wished to relieve himself and that I ought to accompany him.
The lavatory with which we found ourselves in was utterly vile.
I, in my drunken state, did not think much of it at the time but my father found the place to be disgusting and refused to use the public urinal, locking himself in one of the private cubicles.
After a few moments, I heard him fiddling with the lock, followed by a loud thud. “Are you alright in there?” I called out to him. There was no answer so I knocked and asked again.
At this point I heard him say, “Dionysus, I’m stuck.”
“What!?” I shouted in surprise, thinking I’d misheard.
“I’m stuck, you drunken buffoon! This useless lock has fallen to the ground!” He called out. Dear mortals, I do not believe I have ever laughed so hard and I doubt I ever shall again.
To think, the great god of gods trapped by a human waste room! My father then went on to make several attempts at asking me to assist but I was far too hysterical to be of any use.
To his embarrassment, I resolved to go and seek out our other party members to help with our dilemma.
With some difficulty, I managed to stumble through the crowd to where we had intended to meet. I was greeted by the four who were to be joining us, Thor, Loki, Jupiter, and Montu.
At first glance I believed myself to have gone truly mad, to see a man’s body with a Falcon’s head, and I fell into another fit of hysterics.
However, this sudden fit of laughter was soon quenched by Jupiter, who informed me that I was in fact laughing and the Egyptian god of war himself and that I ought to show some respect.
“Nonsense, good man! I was simply expressing my joy that the great god of war himself is joining us!
But friends, please follow, my father, Zeus, has got his thunderbolt in a bit of a twist and I believe you may be useful to him.
” I then led the four deities back with me into the lavatory and explained the predicament.
“Well, this is simply embarrassing!” Thor bellowed “A god of your stature in such a compromising state!”
“Oh and I suppose you’re one to talk.” Sneered his brother. “So you’re saying you didn’t once lose mjolinr, forcing us both to dress in drag and-
“Hold your tongue brother! Montu, how do you propose we free Zeus?”
“I SAY WE DESTROY HIS CAGE.”
“Don’t be foolish, we don’t want to make our presence obvious.” Retorted Jupiter.
“Perhaps we should just leave the old fool, teach him a-
“Brother! I thought I told you to be quiet!”
“I SAY YOU SHOULD ALL BE QUIET, LET ME DESTROY IT.”
The pointless arguing went on, though I couldn’t hear most of it over my own laughing.
Eventually, the problem was solved with the extreme rage of my step-mother, Hera, who appeared before us,
destroying most of the lavatory whilst yelling at my father for fooling around with some demi-goddess.
In the end, they all went home with their heads hung in shame, but to me, the evening was simply perfect.