You say it's my fault and I scream
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FreyaEliCommunity member
Autoplay OFF  •  4 months ago

You say it's my fault and I scream

by FreyaEli

"It's your fault," you tell me, over and over again. But already I know, because in my head it repeats itself over and over again. Believe me, there's no need to say it out loud.

It claws at me and I no longer question it, even when you're not around. It's in my head just whirring constantly, but you don't know. Of course you don't. No matter how loud it gets.

I even told you, though it was forced out of me by yourself. I don't care anymore and it didn't even matter, you never believed me. Not even if I hoped you would.

It gets louder and louder and I come to make no noise, unable to move my mouth at least - at times.

And still you never notice, whatever it is inside my head, repeating over and over how much my fault it is.

It gets too much, too loud, too much fire raging there inside my mind, and I want to scream.

I want to scream so the world will hear me. But I don't. Obviously. "It's your fault," the voice inside my head repeats. As though I don't already know.

Instead I screw my eyes shut, I rock, and I cry; anything to keep the voice away; reminding me of what I already know.

Still you act as though nothing's wrong, as if it has never been. You bring it up occasionally, but other than that are silent.

You're hardly around anymore, and I could take a guess why.

You don't see, hear, or question my demons - those things trapped in my mind- and yet you still avoid them. You act as though they aren't there when I'm silent, knowing I suffer them anyway

You gave my demons a home; let me suffer and twitch and cry, still acting like they aren't rooted in my mind

Still questioning my actions, confused to why I'm like this, always near screaming and I swear.

I know it's my fault. It's always in my mind, on repeat. Even if I forgot what it was so long ago. It is still my fault, and you like to remind me of this when you've found I cry

You question and question and question and one day I'm going to break. I'll scream and I'll yell and I'll cry and I'll rock, but my demons will finally have turned on you. When that day comes-

Well, maybe I'll finally know peace. And will finally know to celebrate, happy to say my demons have won at last.

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bernardtwindwilGold CommaGranddad & story teller, tomthepo8.com
4 months agoReply
This was an excellent piece of "stream of consciousness" It was well written and clearly vivid in its description of internasl strife. Great job!!!!!!