I've been having nightmares lately. Too many to count. And I fear that I may do something horrible to damage the relationship irreparably. I'm afraid to become addicted again. I'm afraid I won't be able to quit. I'm afraid that you'll leave me because of it. You'd have every right to do so. It has hurt you so much already. I've hurt you
You spoke words I never knew I desperately needed to hear. And with this phrase, my fears melted away:
"There is nothing you could do to ruin our relationship."
"What if I told you I love you?"
I couldn't stop myself from asking. The words slipped out unrestrained. I instantly regretted that, of all the things that got caught in my throat when I spoke to you, this was not one of them. I had to recover.
Could I make up some alternate definition of what I meant by "love"? Something more vague, something platonic.
Could I pretend it was a hypothetical question? As though I were testing some theoretical extreme case.
Could I play it off as a joke? I'm always seeking to get a reaction out of you. It isn't a stretch to imagine.
But would you believe it? Any of it?
No, it's done now. I've opened Pandora's box and now I must accept whatever comes out of it. I spoke forbidden words, something I've felt deeply, and admittedly perhaps mistakenly, for far too long. I know it isn't right. I know it isn't acceptable. I know you don't feel the same, and if you did, you would never--could never say.
Nothing I could do? Maybe I found the one caveat to your statement. I wish I could take it back, lock the feelings up inside forever, never let it show for even a second. I wish I could bury them so far within me that I forget they are real until they aren't anymore. But I have spoken the feelings into existence now.
There is nothing I can do to remove them again. I wait with bated breath for your response.
So, what will you say now...?